Focal Point
by EllaNight
Summary: She doesn't understand what happened between them, why it all went south. And at the touch of a hand it all comes rushing back to her, a wave of heavy emotion hitting her directly in the chest. Her eyes fall shut and she knows she's showing her hand, her heart, but god, she could have sworn they were headed somewhere five months ago. Probable Cause (5x05) AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Thank you to Lou for the wonderful prompt: "What if Undead Again really was his last case and the next time he sees her she's there to arrest him in Probable Cause (5x05)." I took some liberties with it and also apologize for taking so long so fill it! There will be more chapters to this; I hope you enjoy!  
**

* * *

 _And I'll use you as focal point_  
 _So I don't lose sight of what I want_  
 _And I've moved further than I thought I could_  
 _But I miss you more than I thought I would_

\- "I Found", by Amber Run

* * *

It's been months since they've talked to one another, since she's seen him. He's been radio silent since the zombie case. He'd told her it would be their last case but part of her had hoped he'd be back, that he wouldn't disappear from her life altogether, that he'd contact her in some way.

He hasn't.

She doesn't understand what happened between them; why he reverted back to his old ways and dove back to meaningless dating and presumably shallow relationships. The memory of a petite, blond flight attendant sets her stomach askew and her insides cringe. She can't deny that she's missed him, that she's thought of him nearly every morning when she gets her own coffee and every night after her shift ends when she returns home to her cold and lonely apartment.

But she won't beg. He's let her go, made it clear that he is done waiting while she'd painstakingly ascended the rocky slopes of recovery. His departure has laced her veins with betrayal and she refuses to grovel at his feet.

If he could move on so could she.

Except she hasn't. She's been miserable. So much so that she couldn't even deny it when Lanie had shown up at her place a couple of nights ago. Richard Castle has left a gaping hole in her chest and although it's been months, the void has yet to be filled and the ache that sets her heart on fire is still very much present, a fire that refuses to be quelled to embers.

And now his fingerprints have been found on the scene, as identified by the CSU report and her hands are shaking with it, with the realization that she's about to see him again. The boys have gone to pick him up to bring him in for questioning but she hates that after months apart, this is how they'll find each other. It has Kate's stomach churning with the sick sense of déjà-vu, the situation resembling one two years prior after a summer spent alone. He'd never called after having returned from the Hamptons with his ex-wife in the fall and she'd found him with a gun standing over a dead body.

This is all too familiar. She needs a moment to regroup. To make sure she doesn't lose it when she enters the box to once again interview Richard Castle for murder.

But dammit, he _hurt_ her. She doesn't know how to move past that or focus on anything other than what has been left unsaid between them.

* * *

She doesn't see him when he arrives at the precinct. Kate leaves the women's restroom and she notices Esposito waiting at her desk. His back straightens when he notices her approaching.

"Castle's in interrogation one."

"Has he said anything?" She asks, her voice devoid of emotion. She is treating him like any other suspect. She can work this case like any other.

"Only that he's innocent and has no idea what this is about. He claims he doesn't know Tessa and has never been to her apartment," Espo tells her and she sighs, closing her eyes. She doesn't believe Castle is behind this. He writes about murder for a living but this… This is just sick.

Still, she needs to follow protocol and interrogate him.

"Are you sure you don't want me and Ryan to take care of this?" Espo asks her.

"I'm fine," she assures him and shoots a glare his way for good measure. She doesn't need her partners thinking she can't handle this.

She appreciates the big brother act but she's a big girl. She can interrogate the man who left three months ago and took her heart with him.

She can.

Kate heads towards Interrogation One. When she opens the door, the look on Castle's face is something akin to longing but it disappears after a few seconds, replaced by the cold indifference she was treated to in the weeks prior to his leaving.

"Beckett," he greets her, meeting her eyes but they hold nothing, no warmth, no joy or shimmer as she'd hoped and it has her chest aching.

"Castle," she responds cordially. Nothing like she's allowed herself to hope, nothing like the way he greeted her every morning with a smile as warm as her coffee.

 _Focus, Kate._

"Your fingerprints were found at our crime scene this morning. Our victim's name was Tessa Horton, do you recognize her?" She asks him as she sets a photo of Tessa down on the table in front of him. He's looking at her like he's trying to figure her out, with something like accusation in his eyes, and she won't be the one to break eye contact, she needs to hold the power in this room but _fuck_ if this isn't already shredding her to pieces. His jaw tenses and he finally looks down at the picture.

She gulps in as much air as she can because she doesn't know when she'll get the opportunity to breathe again. Why can't she _breathe_ when he looks at her like that?

"I don't know her. And I have no idea how my fingerprints got to your crime scene," Castle answers her and looks at her again, waiting for her next move.

"Really? Because her roommate said she'd been dating a mystery man she described as rich, handsome and generous. Seems to me, you fit that bill, and your semi-famous status would be reason enough to keep your relationship a secret," she explains and his eyebrows hitch.

"I'm flattered, Detective. But like I said, I didn't know her," he repeats and she can see the irritation on his face, how his jaw is set tight, his brow furrowed. She's missing something here. "If you must know, I haven't been involved in any romantic relationships recently."

Her heart skips and she hates herself for it. He could be playing her. Except she knows he's not, he's telling her this not for the benefit of their investigation but for her personal knowledge. Why is he doing this? _He_ is the one who left and gave up on her, on them. She glares at him, doesn't have anything else to add if she is to stay stoic and professional with him. She won't let him gain the upper hand.

"So where were you last night, Castle?" She asks, ignoring his last comment.

He scrubs his face with one hand and sighs. When he looks back up at her, his face is somber, "I was at home alone, writing. Or trying to anyway." He looks at her, his eyes sincere and honest. Shit, this would be a whole lot easier if he had an alibi.

She doesn't respond. He knows what this means and how it looks. They look at each other and for a second she feels like they are back; like _he_ is back. Like he's here at the precinct as her partner and they are about to go out there and build theory together. Except he's on the wrong side of the table and she's about to have to put him in holding. Every fiber of her body is telling her he's innocent but a small voice in her head keeps repeating that she thought she knew this man.

She doesn't. He left her before they had a chance to begin. She really thought they'd make it.

"We are going to have to hold you." She informs him, about to turn away when she feels his fingers grab hold of her hand and her entire body seizes, the synapses in her hand and fingers firing intensely because this is the first physical contact they've had in months and apparently she hadn't known how much she's craved it. It's something she's never known, his touch. Something that isn't hers to miss because it was never hers to begin with, save for the few instances when they allowed their fingertips to brush at the exchange of coffee in the morning. But she always thought she'd someday find out what it was like to be held within the haven of his arms and comforted by the span of his hands at her back. She'd found herself yearning for it in the weeks of her suspension, her body aching for something it's never had.

And at the touch of a hand it all comes rushing back to her, a wave of heavy emotion hitting her directly in the chest and she has to stop herself from running her thumb along his knuckles. He doesn't stop himself however and he does just that, dusting his thumb over the back of her hand reminding her of a moment shared between them and a golden retriever in her apartment. Her eyes fall shut and she knows she's showing her hand, her heart, but god, she could have sworn they were headed somewhere five months ago.

Kate inhales and opens her eyes. She can't let herself drown in their sea of missed opportunities. He closed that door when he left for good. She finds his eyes heavy with remorse and she knows is about them, not about this case and he has no right to do this to her. Not when he _left_.

"Kate."

The sound of her name on his lips breaks the spell and she removes her hand from his, regains the little composure she can and straightens from the table. She grabs the files and heads for the door.

"You really believe I'm capable of doing something like this?" He asks her as her hand reaches for the handle on the door. She looks back at him and he looks hurt, betrayed, almost.

In this moment, she hates herself a little for not reaching out to him. For not talking it through and demanding that he stay, or at least give her an explanation for his leaving. If she had, maybe they wouldn't find themselves in this predicament. If she had, maybe by now she'd know how it feels like to be comforted by his touch.

Maybe he isn't the only one to blame for the hurt she's suffered over these last few months. She let him leave.

 _Why did she ever let him leave?_

And then she remembers he asked her a question and, no, she truly does not believe he could do something as horrifying as this. But she can't tell him that.

"I have to follow the evidence wherever it leads."

And with that she leaves the interrogation room. Why is it that she still can't breathe?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow! Thank you all for your support of this story, it truly means more than words can say. I plan to be updating weekly on Mondays but this chapter is a little shorter and a bit of a filler, so I decided to post it early. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Kate reaches her desk and her chest feels pained, every muscle and fibre of her body telling her to get her partner out of there, that he's innocent.

 _He's not your partner anymore, Kate. He left you_.

She can't quiet the damn voice inside her head and it's driving her insane, her brain buzzing and hands shaking. She needs a coffee.

Kate heads towards the beak room and powers on the high quality espresso machine she'd been forced to learn to use on her own. She's failed to ever make it as good as he did. The bullpen is filled with movement, phones ringing, people running from one place to the next. The chaos she's long known calms her, works to soothe and alleviate the pressure that resides within her chest and she leans against the counter, takes deep breath. She's just closed her eyes when the door to the break room closes with a resounding smack.

Her eyes dart to the door and a pulse of heat washes over her. Alexis.

Castle's daughter looks her straight in the eye, her gaze accusatory, threatening and definitely nothing close to trusting. This is not going to be a good conversation.

"You know he didn't do this and you better get him out of there."

Kate deduces that she's up to speed, the boys probably let her speak with her father in holding.

"Alexis-"

"I don't care how you feel about him, that you never felt the same way he did but if you let that get in the way of me getting my father back, I will never forgive you."

Kate feels as if she's been slapped. "How I feel about him?"

"Don't play dumb, Kate. It doesn't suit you. You and I both know my Dad was in love with you, he'd been following you around like a love sick puppy for four years until you finally decided to cut him out of your life-"

" _He's_ the one who left _,_ " Kate says more forcefully than she intended because hearing his daughter say it, that he loved her, past tense, she can't-

"Only because he knew how you really felt," Alexis spits back and Kate feels her breathing falter. How she really felt? Why would he have left her if he knew how she felt? If he knew that she'd been ready, that she'd wanted them to finally take the next step. The bombing case had done nothing but solidify that. Until he disappeared on her and became an entirely different person in a matter of minutes. She doesn't understand. Never pieced it together, partly because she was afraid that looking further into it, looking for what possibly might have gone wrong could have torn her heart to shreds. Ironically, ignoring it resulted in the very same.

She ignores it again.

"Alexis, I'll get him out of there, I promise," she tells the young woman in front of her with as much conviction as she can muster.

"You better," Alexis replies, still far from trusting.

There's a beat of silence between them as they hold each other's gazes. She never meant to hurt this family so much but she can see in Alexis' eyes how much damage she's done and it nearly undoes her. Castle's daughter turns towards the door and stops just short of reaching the handle, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I really thought you were different," she says, and Kate's heart stutters. "I thought you truly saw him, saw that he was worth it. I never thought you'd turn out to be like the rest of them."

And with that she turns to take her final steps out the door. Kate stands by the coffee machine, unable to move. _The rest of them_. She assumes that by _them_ , Alexis meant the other significant women in Castle's life.

He's the one who left her without an explanation. He bowed out before they had any chance to go further than the dance they'd been doing for four years.

 _You let him leave_ , she reminds herself.

She gave up on them as much as he did. She didn't fight for him, for them, didn't demand answers for his strange behaviour when she knew something had gone wrong. They'd been so close, on the cusp of something monumental during the bomb case.

And then he fled.

Castle wasn't one to run. No, he plowed and fought and bulldozed through her walls, broke down every barrier until she was left standing bare and ready, ready to finally take that leap. There was no way he would have run for no reason after that.

Something had to have spooked him. Something more than the need for uncomplicated flight attendants because that just wasn't him anymore. Deep down, she knew that.

But she'd taken the easy way out; the coward's way out. She'd let him leave, and unbeknownst to her, he'd walked out with her heart in his hands.

Alexis was right. She hadn't fought for him, hadn't asked the right questions. She'd failed him. Had become like all the other women in his life.

Kate covers her face with her hands and takes a deep breath, realization washing over her at his daughter's words. She'd messed up. She's still messing this all up, trying to bottle up her feelings instead of showing her hand for once.

Letting her hands fall back down to the counter behind her, she notices Ryan enter the room.

"Hey, Alexis showed up a few minutes ago. Went to go see Castle in holding," he informs her.

"I know." Ryan looks at her sympathetically.

"You okay, boss?" He asks, his voice sincere and she appreciates what the boys do for her, how they care about her. They look out for each other, have each other's backs.

She realizes she had a partner five months ago. Someone else who was part of her team and has stood at her side and had her back for four years, someone she trusted with her life, with her secrets, with her heart. And she'd let him down. She hadn't been the partner he'd deserved. Kate had always believed he deserved better than her, more than what her damaged heart had to offer, but he'd chosen her. She'd tried to work on herself, to heal both for herself and for them; to give them a fair shot.

She hadn't been enough five months ago, but she wants to be now; she owes him that and he needs her. She's made his daughter a promise she intends to keep. Kate looks up at Ryan

"I am, yeah," she assures him.

Ryan nods. Kate takes the coffee with her and walks towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Ryan asks.

"I need to talk to someone," she tells him.

She's getting her partner back.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Wow, the support this story has been getting is absolutely mind blowing. I can't thank you readers enough! I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Kate leaves Ryan in the break room and heads straight towards holding. They need to talk. After he'd shut her out, they'd never gotten the chance to have a proper conversation about what happened, why he left her. She wants answers now, wants to know why he left and needs him to know that she won't let him go down for a crime she knows he didn't commit, no matter his reasons for leaving.

She enters holding and he looks smaller than she thinks she's ever seen him. He's sitting on one of the concrete benches, his head tilted down in his hands and his hair looks like he's been running his fingers through them incessantly. He either ignores the sound of her footsteps or is too wrapped up in his own head to notice when she approaches. Kate stops in front of his cell, her hand holding on to the grating, fingers sliding through easily. She'd really like to hold his hand.

"Castle," she calls his name softly and he looks up, startled by the sound of her voice. Maybe he hadn't heard her come in after all.

"Kate," he says, his hands scrubbing over his face, his eyes more desolate than she's ever seen them. "What are you doing here?"

"Castle, I-" she falters momentarily but this needs to be said. "I need you to know that I'm going to do everything I can to get you out of here. I know we didn't end on the greatest note but I would never let that get in the way of getting you free." She hopes he can read the sincerity in her eyes, hopes he knows how deeply she means it. She wasn't easy on him in that interrogation and Alexis is right, she needs to move beyond the past. She can't let anything get in the way anymore.

"Kate-" he starts but she cuts him off.

"And I was hoping, maybe after this is over, after I get you out, maybe we could talk? Go for coffee or something?" She adds tentatively, her eyes darting away, avoiding his.

"Coffee?" he asks as though he isn't sure he heard right, as though she might mean something… more than just coffee. And she does. She does and she's so glad he understands. His eyes are alight with something she hasn't seen in so long. She bites down on her bottom lip to stop the smile from breaking free.

"Yeah. I've missed your coffees." She tells him sheepishly, shrugging when he looks at her with wide eyes.

"Why Katherine Beckett, I never thought I'd see the day. Admitting you miss my daily offering."

She laughs and shrugs, can't deny it. She misses more than just the coffee.

"I guess it's a date," she surmises, still holding down her bottom lip between the vice grip of her teeth, glancing up at him shyly.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

She feels her heart stutter because this, this is the way he looks at her, the look that haunts her day and night. His smile is genuine, not the one he shows the cameras, and his eyes are alight with love and longing. He hasn't looked at her like that in so long and seeing it there, she feels like weeping with relief. Maybe they can be salvaged after all, maybe they aren't doomed to implode before they've even begun.

"That is, assuming you get me out of here," he reminds her and she laughs, his attempt at levity effectively breaking through her thoughts.

"Are you suddenly doubting my capacity as a Detective, Castle?" She asks, her voice teasing.

"Not at all." He tells her playing along, but his eyes turn sincere as he continues. "I'd never doubt you, Kate."

Something in her chest tightens, pulls at the scar between her breasts, the ferocity of her need for answers overwhelming. But he _did_ doubt her. Probably still does if he left, hadn't come back, wouldn't even be here were he not being held under a murder charge.

"Castle, why did you-"

"Yo, Beckett. Something you need to see." Espo calls out as he enters the holding area. This is typical really. They are always interrupted. "Am I interrupting something?"

She looks back towards Castle before answering, unsure, and he smiles sadly at her. "Go," he says. "We'll talk over coffee later."

The way he says it, so casual, as if nothing has changed, as if the past five months have never happened, has her heart somersaulting within the cove of her chest. Kate knows he's referring to their agreement to go out for coffee once all of this is sorted out and it has her eager to put this behind them. Maybe then they can begin working towards something new, towards a future that involves him being back at the precinct, being with her more often even outside her work with the NYPD. But first they need to talk, and for that to happen she needs to get him out from behind bars. She needs to figure out who the hell is behind this.

"I'll be back. Sit tight," she says as she follows Espo towards the activity of the bullpen.

"Nowhere else to go," he answers jokingly and her lips curl upward without her consent. Kate sees the look Espo gives him and it looks nowhere near as encouraging.

"What've you got?" She asks once they reach her desk.

"Nothing good." He tells her his voice somber, almost avoiding her gaze.

"Javi," she prompts, urging him to just tell her. "What is it?"

The look he gives her tells her he's reluctant to share this but he's going to say it regardless. There's no choice to be made. "Uniforms just finished going through Castle's loft." He pauses and looks up at her. She lifts a brow, expecting him to go on.

"They found the same wire and hooks that were used to hold Tessa up to the ceiling and a shirt with blood all over it. We had them send everything down to the lab for testing but…" He trails off, the connection obvious.

"But it's probably a match to Tessa's," she finishes for him, her hands coming up to cover her face, forcing herself to breathe calmly. She's not going to start doubting him now. Not when he needs her to be on his side. But she has no choice other than to follow the evidence. She knows he didn't do this, couldn't have done this.

"There's more."

"More?" she asks incredulously.

"Ryan just combed through Castle's computer, his emails. They'd been seeing each other."

"Castle and Tessa?" She asks, just to make sure, just so that she's clear her mind isn't jumping to the worst possible scenario.

"I'm sorry," Espo says solemnly, looking as though he's ready to head straight to holding and let Castle have it. He's always been the protective one. But she can't handle this right now. He wasn't even hers to lose, owed her nothing. Castle can be with whoever he wants, can buy jewelry for whoever he wants. The evidence is piling up.

But something in her gut tell her this doesn't jive. The evidence _is_ piling up. A little too well, a little too fast… Too easily. This is Castle. He plans murders for books for a living, plans them so that the attention to detail is meticulous. Hell, he's followed her around for four years. If he were to do something like this – _which he wouldn't_ , she keeps telling herself – he'd have been a lot more careful. Wouldn't have left the evidence lying in a bag in his apartment, wouldn't have left his finger prints over at Tessa's apartment. This wasn't a crime of passion, it was planned, from the symbol carved to Tessa's forehead to painstakingly hanging her onto a ceiling.

If he were writing this story, there's no way things would be so easy. The reader would never buy it.

No, he's better than that, smarter than that. He couldn't have done this.

"It wasn't him," she states.

"Beckett, Gates is going in to talk to him right now. She's giving him a chance to get out of this. But if he can't, we're going to have to arrest him," Espo tells her, his voice calm, as if he expects her to break.

She isn't going to break. He might have been with Tessa and just the thought has her chest constricting painfully, to see he'd moved on hurting her in ways she's never imagined. But she's convinced he didn't do this and if she's going to get some answers as to why he left, if she's going to fight to get him back in any way, to give them a chance, she needs to get him out and they need to have that coffee date.


	4. Chapter 4

Kate watches as Gates interrogates him from the other side of the mirror. Her Captain has apparently been briefed on the pile of evidence mounting up against him and she isn't going soft. Kate doesn't know how to get him out of this and the scared look on his face pains her. She can read the terror in his eyes, knows the difference between someone who's terrified of getting caught and someone who is terrified of being accused of a crime they didn't commit. The crease between his brow, the frustration and desperation rolling off of him in waves as he tells Gates that he has no alibi, a fact she already knew but that continues to set him up as guilty, confirms to her he didn't do this.

He knows just as well as she does how this looks and she's the one who needs to prove his innocence. No way is she losing him to this.

"What about the emails?" Gates inquires. "They were sent from your computer, Mr. Castle."

"Just like the wires and hooks were found in my bag, in my home," he sighs, exasperated. "Captain, I've never met this woman, never talked to her or had any contact with her in my life."

"Then how do you explain your predicament?"

"This is a set up. I don't know who or how, but someone wants you to think I'm behind this."

"Is there no other information you can give me to vouch for your case?"

He moves forward to lean his elbows against the table, his head falling between his hands, covering up his face. A beat passes and neither he nor Gates speak. When he looks back up his eyes are pleading. He glances briefly at the mirror, as if he senses her there, as if he knows she's watching, sending a cry for help and her heart constricts in her chest. She wants to go in there, to tell him it'll be alright but isn't what he needs. They need to find another lead, someone else to pin this on. But the evidence against him won't disappear into thin air. No, he's right. This isn't a coincidence. She needs to find out who's setting him up.

"Sir, I didn't do this." She looks back up through the glass, sees him looking up at the Captain, his eyes sincere. "There has to be some other explanation to all of this."

"I'm afraid I'm going to need more than that to help you, Mr. Castle."

Kate can see the shift in his eyes as they turn somber. She's too far to see it directly, not close enough to witness the bright cerulean turn a deep shade of indigo, but she knows, can see the lights dim lower than they've been since this whole case started.

"I think I'd like my lawyer now," he tells Gates and the woman nods, giving him a saddened smile, a failed attempt at encouragement.

Kate leaves the room as she sees Gates gather the evidenced she'd lined up before Castle, showing him where he stands, that they now have the means to arrest him if he doesn't cooperate.

"Sir," she calls out when the door to interrogation closes behind her Captain. "This isn't right."

"Detective Beckett, I'm aware you and Mr. Castle have a long history but this-"

"No, Sir, it's more than that. It doesn't make sense. Think of that history. He spent four years shadowing a member of the NYPD, helped this team solve countless murder cases. If anyone knows their way around a murder scene, it's Castle," she tries to explain but Gates looks skeptical.

"He would have known to prepare an alibi. He never would have kept the evidence with him, would have covered his tracks. For god's sake we found his _prints_ at the scene. Those are rookie mistakes made by people who didn't plan to kill. He _knows_ that. But this murder was planned, it wasn't a crime of passion. The time it took to leave Tessa up there on the ceiling and carve that symbol are things that were deliberated about. Sir, you have to see, this is way too easy. It wasn't him." It all comes rushing out, a desperate attempt to stall her Captain from calling the DA to make an arrest. "Sir, I just need more time. We'll figure out who did this and why they're framing Castle for it."

Gates takes a moment to consider it. "It's a decent point detective, and I have to admit, even I have trouble believing Mr. Castle could do something so heinous."

Kate takes in a breath. All she needs is a little more time. Her and the boys can figure this out, she just-

"But I'm afraid I can't give you what you want. Mr. Castle is to return to his cell for the night until officers come to pick him up to transfer him to central holding, tomorrow." Her heart plummets and she feels her throat closing up. This can't be it. She just needs more time. "I'm sorry, Detective but unless you've got another lead and reason to dismiss this evidence, there isn't much I can do."

They hadn't had time to try to look into another suspect, all the evidence against Castle had started popping up after they'd identified his fingerprints at the scene. The video of him buying jewelry for Tessa, the money withdrawn from his bank account, the bag with the wires and a shirt with their victim's blood. There was just too much. All of it seems like a set up. The one she can't seem to wrap her mind around is the video. She nods to her captain and heads back towards her desk.

Castle told her he never bought the ear rings, that he was never in that store. So how did they get video footage of him? How could someone have possibly pulled this off?

She growls under her breath, frustration palpable. They don't have enough time. She needs to conduct a proper investigation, to look into every possible angle of this thing and Castle is about to be sent to central holding.

"Beckett," she looks up and finds Esposito looking at her from behind her desk. "There's nothing you can do for him right now. Just go home and we'll look at it again in the morning. You're no help to him like this." Espo turns towards the elevators, doesn't force the decision on her and she appreciates it.

She can't do that, can't let him down or let him sit in holding while she stays at home and gets a full night's rest. But there doesn't seem to be anything more she can do from here. Kate buries her head in her hands, her stomach unsettled as she debates whether or not to leave the precinct.

She takes a deep breath as she pulls out her phone. Some fresh eyes can't hurt and she needs a second opinion on this mess. She dials Lanie's number.

"You're sure it wasn't him?"

"I know it, Lanie. He wouldn't do this. He is an egotistical, self-centered jackass sometimes but he's not this." Kate tells her.

"What are you going to do? _Is_ there even anything you can do before they transfer him?" Lanie asks, concerned.

"I don't know. I just-" she takes a deep breath and it come out shaky. She forces the tears she feels welling up in her eyes not to fall. This is not what she needs right now, not what _he_ needs. "I thought we would have had the chance to give us a try. I never thought we'd end up here." She sighs.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie." Lanie reaches for her hand, a comfort she wishes she didn't need but one she's grateful for nonetheless.

"I need to fix this, Lanie. I can't let him go down for this, not when I know he's innocent."

"You'll find it. You always do," Lanie tells her with a smile that she knows is meant to be reassuring. She wants to believe her, but as it stands the odds seem wholly against her, against him. "Your role involves doing everything you possibly can to get him out and I know you'll-"

Lanie's words hit her, resonate so loudly it takes a second to put it all together. A role. Castle said the was never in the store, never bought the jewelry for Tessa. It had to be someone else, someone to appear as him. If you want someone to play a role, you cast it. She's on her feet in a matter of seconds.

"Lanie, can I use your computer?" Kate asks urgently already heading toward Lanie's study.

"Yes, of course. Kate, what's wrong, what is it?" Her friend asks, her pace fast as she attempts to keep up with her.

"I have a hunch."

Kate shakes the mouse across the surface of the desk, bringing the computer monitor to life. She doesn't take the time to sit, it shouldn't take long to verify, but this has to be it. She opens up google chrome and types in "Broadway Casting," her heart rate picking up speed at the possibility of having potentially found a lead. She clicks the link to the official site and presses "command F" for a refined word search. The search bar appears at the top of her screen and her body buzzes with energy, her mind running a mile a minute. She types in "Richard Castle" and the page automatically scrolls down to show her the match of her search, the heading "Private Book Club Party" followed by a list of authors, including Castle. They were looking for someone to play him. They found a look alike.

"Lanie," she whispers, "This is it. This is how they faked the video footage of him buying the jewelry. It has to be," she explains, and she needs to go, she needs to go see Castle, to tell him it's not over and that she's got a lead. Lanie must see it all over her face.

"Go," she encourages. "Go tell writer boy you're about to get him out of there," she says with a smile, which Kate returns full heartedly.

"Thank you, Lanie," she says as she practically runs out of the room, grabs her coat, keys and gun before she's out the door and hailing a cab to take her back to the precinct.

It's nearly midnight by the time she gets there and she's feeling antsy. She hopes Castle will see this for the breakthrough that it is.

He will. He's the master of outlandish theories and this is right up his alley.

She pays the driver and gets out, almost heads for the precinct elevator but she's too on edge, her entire body thrumming with the knowledge that she may have found a way to bail him out. She takes the stairs two at a time until she reaches the homicide floor.

The hairs at the back of her neck prickle. It's silent. A little too silent. The precinct is never a buzz at this hour but there are usually a couple of officers on this floor. She advances slowly, lets the door to the stairwell fall closed softly behind her.

Kate has one hand on her holster, walking slowly and taking in everything she can. The silence is interrupted by a scream and her entire body seizes.

"Somebody! Help! Somebody, I need some help in here!"


	5. Chapter 5

Kate's entire body goes rigid and she listens, attempts to get an idea of what kind of trouble Castle might be in while diligently making her way towards the holding area. She can feel her pulse escalate, her blood rushing in her veins, pulsing in her ears and she's so thankful for her ability to remain stealthy while wearing heals.

"They can't hear you, or see you. I'm afraid I'm much more thorough than that," she hears, and the voice she hears, although it's low and she can barely make it out, has her blood running cold. She knows that voice.

It's the 3xk. Jerry Tyson is in there with Castle and _fuck_ everything makes sense. The set-up, using a lookalike to fool the security cameras, the hacked emails… Everything. It makes complete sense and it fills her entire body with dread. He's been planning this for over two years. Tyson is here for revenge and he's meticulously planned this out. They're in over their heads.

Kate knows she doesn't have time to make a call but she texts a 911 to the boys for back up at the precinct, although she has a strong suspicion that by the time anyone gets up here, it'll be too late. She prays to god Tyson doesn't have a gun. She can't protect Castle when he's stuck inside the holding cell. Shit. This is not good.

Kate manages to get as close as she can without revealing her presence, her back to the wall, gun in hand and held at her chest. She looks down at herself and realizes she doesn't have a vest. Definitely not good.

"Well if it's revenge you wanted, why not just kill me?" Castle asks, and damn it, that is not what he should be asking, he should not be _taunting_ a psychopath. She holds her breath for Tyson's answer.

"Where's the fun in that? Oh no, no. It's more fun to _destroy_ you. Why'd you think I let you live that night in the motel?" Castle is silent, lets Jerry talk and this is good. He's telling him everything, a complete confession. She might not have it on record but that's besides the fact. She tries to gauge where Tyson is situated and calculate her best vantage point. She needs him as close to her and farthest away from Castle as possible.

"People think it's killing that I like, but murder's just an act. It's all about the anticipation, the planning. Watching you and your daughter taking a walk. You sulking for days on end after your partnership with Beckett ended. I have to say I was almost tempted to leave you like that, wallowing in your own misery. Must have been difficult, knowing she didn't love you back."

It hits her like a punch in the gut and she's heard enough.

Kate swivels on her feet, gun poised and ready to shoot if she needs to. She honestly doesn't see this ending without a gun firing. "Do not move," she warns, her voice clear, stern as she stares right into Jerry Tyson's eyes. She's glad the order makes it out of her mouth without a trace of the anxiety she's feeling, no tremor or hesitance. She sees Tyson waver slightly, his body freezes and she can see she's taken him by surprise. He wasn't expecting her, hadn't factored her into his plan. Good.

She feels more in control, lets the adrenaline seep into her veins and take over.

Castle wasn't expecting her either and she spares a brief glance at him, making sure he's okay, sees him tense when she enters and then instantaneously take a breath of relief upon realizing that it's her, that she's here. He trusts her and to have that back, to see that complete faith in his eyes again, although it may not be permanent, steadies her. He gives her a small nod which she registers from the corner of her eye, her entire focus now back on Tyson. She can't risk taking her eyes off him, can't give him a single opportunity to take her by surprise. She needs to maintain control.

"Tyson, put your hands behind your head," she instructs him, speaking slowly. "I've got back up on their way; you're not making it out of this building."

"Detective Beckett, we were just talking about you," Tyson states with a smile, his voice light, like this is just some sort of coincidental meet up between the three of them, like he's not at all fazed by the gun she's pointing at his chest. "It looks like you didn't go easy on him, breaking his heart and all." He nods his head towards Castle. "Did you even care?" He asks her and she is not letting this psychopath get to her. She's not. He doesn't know anything about her or how she'd been coping for the past five months. He doesn't deserve an answer from her and she refuses to play into his twisted games. All he wants is to hurt Castle.

"While Castle has been wasting away for the past few months, you seem to be just fine, Detective," he tells her his voice jovial and she wants to slap him, wants to wipe that smirk off his face with her fist. The past five months have been hell for her and she would bet a month's salary that bastard knows it. He's toying with her, with Castle, pouring salt in the still open wounds. She wants to tell Castle he's wrong but this is plain manipulation and she'll be damned if she falls for that trap.

"Yeah, you were probably sick of having him following you around like a love sick puppy all day. Must have been a relief really, to have him out of your hair-"

"Tyson," she interrupts. "Shut the hell up and put your hands behind your head or so help me, I will pull this trigger."

"Awn you see, Castle, she's not even denying it," he laughs and she sees Castle looking down at the ground, hurt lining every feature of his face and _damn it_ , they should have had this conversation before. She doesn't need him believing Tyson over her.

"Rick." She uses his first name, hoping he'll see the sincerity, that none of what this maniac has said is true. His eyes lift from the floor to meet hers and she curses herself when she sees Tyson grab the tiny window of opportunity she's granted him, as he quickly grabs a gun from his holster. She doesn't hesitate, fires her weapon, still trained on his chest, but she hears two shots go off and sees Castle stagger.

"Castle!" she calls out, and no, _no-_

Not after all this, please god. She can't lose him now. Not when she just learned that they might actually get another shot to make this work. Please, please, god -

Tyson falls to the ground ungracefully, gun dropping from his hand and she sees blood seeping through his stolen uniform. She didn't miss.

She rushes to Castle's cell. It's locked.

"Rick, are you okay?" she asks, practically shouts and he groans.

"Shoulder," he grunts. "I think he hit my shoulder, _fuck_ \- "

"Apply pressure. I need to get the keys to this damn cell. Back up is on their way, I swear." She spares a glance at Tyson and he's definitely gone, no motion at his chest, a large pool of blood under him. She looks back at her partner and shit, shit, _shit,_ he's bleeding too and they need an ambulance, she needs someone to get here before he bleeds out. He doesn't have anything to stop the bleeding. "Rick, are you-"

"The key, Kate," he manages to say through gritted teeth. Right. Yes, the key, she needs to get the key and a something to stop the bleeding or at least slow it down. Her mind is buzzing, she can barely think, barely breathe, and _how_ are the boys not here yet?

She runs out of holding and heads straight into Gates' office. She doesn't have access to the cabinet where the guards keep the keys but Gates must have one, she's sure she-

Kate hears the elevator ding and a collection of feet hitting the ground. "Beckett?" It's Ryan. Thank god, they're here.

"Go to Castle!" she shouts from the office and hopes they can make out her words from across the bullpen. She finally finds the drawer with the keys, locates the one for the holding cells and runs out.

"The ambulance is on its way, medics should be here at any minute," Ryan tells her and she figures he made the call once he saw Castle had been shot. "Is that…" He trails off staring at the dead body.

"Jerry Tyson," she confirms as she enters the room and Castle is lying on the ground, clutching at his shoulder but the rest of his body has gone limp and no, no, please, come _on_.

Kate unlocks the cell, her hands shaking, heart pounding and she lets herself fall to her knees at his side, cradles his head in her hands before letting it rest on her thighs as she applies pressure to his shoulder, blood drenching her fingers in a matter of seconds. She needs to stop the bleeding. "Castle," she whispers his name. "Open your eyes for me, you need to stay awake."

His head moves slightly and, yes, yes he needs to wake up. "Rick, please. Please, don't leave me now. There's so much we need to talk about, so much you don't know." She pauses but he doesn't answer. "Castle-" His eyes open and it's nothing short of a small miracle, feels like a victory and her heart flutters in her chest.

"Kate," he says, his voice raspy, weak.

"Hey, Castle. I'm going to get you out of here. Everything's going to be okay. You just need to stay with me until the paramedics get here. Any second now," she tries to coach him, reassure him but her voice is pleading.

"Can't-" His eyes blink heavily and she's losing him and-

"I love you, Castle," she says, her voice just above a whisper, only for him to hear if he's still there with her. "I love you, please," she begs. "Just don't leave me, Castle."

He doesn't respond and all of it just seems way too familiar, only she's the one professing her love to him as he bleeds out and fades beneath her.

* * *

 **A/N: I would love to have your comments. Thank you all so much for the support you've already given me, it's a huge motivation to keep writing!**


	6. Chapter 6

The paramedics get here and she refuses to leave his side, assisting as they lift his body up onto a gurney and take him down to the ambulance waiting outside the precinct. She rides with him in the ambulance, holds his hand within hers as they put him on a breathing ventilator and monitor his heartbeat. One of the men had tossed a towel her way and she knew it was so that she could wipe the blood - his blood - from her hands. She holds on to him now.

His heart hasn't stopped yet but the medics have confirmed that he's lost a lot of blood, more than what is ideal and that getting him into the ER is a top priority. They've managed to slow down the bleeding but his shoulder will need surgery and his breathing is still faint.

The panic has yet to recede, her heart working double time as she considers the worst possible scenarios and she curses him and his wild theories for leading her mind down this route. She doesn't need to be reminded of what it might feel like to lose him, and for good this time. Only it's not just her he'd be leaving, he can't-

Oh god, Alexis.

He has a daughter who is about the age Kate was when she lost her mom to the work of a serial killer and she can't let Alexis lose her dad.

She'd promised her. Promised his daughter she'd get him out of there, that he'd be okay. She instinctively tightens her grasp on Castle's hand, clutching at him, silently begging him not to make her break that promise.

Kate prays to whatever higher power that she won't have to tell the girl her father won't be coming home. She cannot lose him, can't let Alexis lose him. Ryan is in charge of making calls to his family to let them know he's being transferred to the hospital. Knowing Martha and Alexis, she has no doubt they'll both already be there when the ambulance arrives.

Part of her wants to hide, to go lick her wounds in private and run away from the pain of possibly watching him die. She knows she won't recover. She's known loss, known what it's like to lose someone you love and she won't survive. The torment of the last few months are a testament to that. She'd held on hope to the fact that one day they might find their way back to each other and they did and if she loses him now, if Jerry Tyson takes him away from her for good she won't make it.

And so she decides to stay because she's doomed either way. Whether he survives or doesn't make it out of that operation room, he has her heart. She isn't taking it back now.

Castle would want her to hope, so she does.

The ambulance comes to a stop, the back doors open and everything is a rush. She steps out of the way, presses her back to the wall of the vehicle, so that they can get the gurney he's on out of the ambulance and rush him into an operating room. People are shouting directions and medical jargon she doesn't understand and her ears are buzzing with it. She needs to stay with him. They are taking him away and she needs to know where they're taking him, how long it's going to be until she'll be able to see him again.

She _will_ see him again, alive and breathing on his own and his shoulder all patched up. She knows it.

She rushes out of the ambulance and jogs to keep up with the doctors who have now taken over the paramedic's job, keeping pressure on his injured shoulder and securing the breathing mask over his head.

They enter the hospital and the chemical, clinical smell not unlike the morgue hits her nose and the pressure in her chest beneath her scar flares up in ways she hasn't felt in months. This is not the morgue, she reminds herself, they are here to fix him.

The doctors hurry him down a hallway and they stop her as they pass a set of double doors.

"We've got it from here, detective, we'll be taking him in to surgery, now."

"I-" the doors close behind the doctor before she has the chance to ask anything about how long this might take, how long before she gets to see him again. She doesn't get the chance to ask if he'll be okay and her chest is tight with it. Kate takes a deep breath, attempts to steady her heart rate, to refocus, to stop the world from spinning beneath her feet but she can't see straight.

She vaguely registers a washroom sign and she heads that way. In the rest room, she enters one of the stalls and allows herself a moment to break. She promises herself, she only gets two minutes to do this, only gets two minutes to let the feeling of utter panic wash over her and allow the silent tears to roll down her cheeks and choked breath to escape her lips. She faces the door of the stall, her head leaning against her hands. Her body shakes with every wave of anguish that rolls in.

It takes a bit more than two minutes to get her body back under any semblance of control. Once her shoulders have stopped shaking and she's able to stop the tears, to get her breathing back under control, Kate opens the stall and heads to the sink. She splashes some water on her face, cooling her skin and cleaning slight mascara streaks from her cheeks and smudging around her eyes. She may be able to breath properly but the pressure behind the healed skin of her scar is still there and she has a feeling it will stay until she sees him again. She takes a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly through her nose, and leaves the washroom. The waiting room isn't so far and she locates it pretty easily. The lady at the front desk takes note that she's waiting on updates from Castle's surgery and directs her towards the waiting area where she says other people are waiting for him.

She turns and spots them easily. Martha and Alexis are here.

The younger woman is a mess. She can see her entire body wracked with sobs as Martha attempts to comfort her, lays a hand on her back, rubbing gently, trying to soothe an ache she knows she can't make better.

His mother must spot her because she looks up and her eyes meet Kate's. She sends her a warm smile, beckoning her over to sit with them with the tilt of her head. She doesn't know if she should, if Alexis would want her to wait with them, if the girl blames her for her father being here.

Martha looks back down at Alexis, whispering something to her, probably doing her best to comfort her and it gives Kate a moment to decide.

Castle is making it out of this hospital, out of that surgery room, alive. And when he does, she wants to be with him, wants to tell him the pain she's been in since he left, tell him Tyson was lying about everything, that she _did_ care and that it tore her to pieces to watch him leave. She wants them to have a shot. Alexis is part of that.

She knows that if she wants them to work, if she truly wants to be serious with Castle, Alexis is a package deal. She's always respected the girl's love for her father, her protective instinct and she has a feeling Alexis won't approve. Kate wants to prove her wrong.

Alexis has told her that she was just like the others, that she didn't see Castle for the man he truly is. But she does, she knows just how special, how loving and kind and open hearted he is. She sees him. She wants Alexis to know that, wants Castle to know it too. This might be the first step to showing his daughter that she wants to be the woman he deserves, that she was _trying_ to get there before it all went south, that she never meant to string him along.

 _God_.

All she wants is the chance to tell him all of this. Right now she can't, but she can tell Alexis.

Kate walks over towards his mother and daughter. Martha gives her a warm smile and she's grateful she won't have to fight for her approval as well. She knows she has her work cut out for her with Alexis. She certainly has some making up to do with Castle as well.

She takes a seat next to Alexis and the girl looks up at her, red rimmed eyes, her cheeks wet. Kate gives her a slight tilt of her lips, can't manage to do much smiling herself. Alexis straightens her back, takes in a slow breath and then looks at her.

"What happened?"

"Alexis, that might not-" Martha starts, but Alexis cuts her off, looking at Kate, her eyes almost pleading, although it's evident she's trying to look anything but desperate.

"They didn't tell us anything, didn't say what happened, but Ryan said you were there," she tells Kate. Shit, she doesn't know if she's ready for this, ready to rehash everything that happened, to see it again so vividly in her mind. But Alexis wants to know and she has to try, she deserves to hear it from her.

"It was Tyson… the triple killer. Has your dad told you about him?" She asks.

"Yeah," Alexis says, looking back at Martha for confirmation before turning back to Kate. "That was when he told Gram he loved her over the phone and she knew something had to be wrong." They all share a sad smile.

"That's the one," Kate confirms. "That night, your Dad blew Tyson's cover, sabotaged his escape. And apparently Tyson's been planning his revenge ever since, hiding in the shadows. It was him. He orchestrated this whole set up to frame your Dad for murder."

Alexis looks pensive. "But if he took the time to set him up for murder, why did he try to kill him? Why shoot my Dad?" Smart kid, Kate thinks. She hopes Alexis doesn't blame her for this. She already blames herself.

"I was at Lanie's and something clicked. I knew your Dad was being framed but I couldn't figure it out. Lanie said something and it got me thinking about the video footage we thought we had of your Dad. It had been faked and I-" she cuts herself off, knowing this is when she messed up. "I went to the precinct to see your Dad, wanted to tell him that I hadn't given up and that I had a possible lead." Alexis and Martha are both listening intently, hanging on to her every word.

"I heard your Dad call for help and realized Tyson was talking with him in holding, confessing the whole thing. He wanted your Dad to suffer, to lose everything. I called for back-up and then confronted him." She pauses. She doesn't know how to tell his mother and daughter this is her fault. Her palms are sweaty and she looks down at her thighs, can't watch their faces when she tells them what follows. "He was taunting me and your Dad. I wanted to make sure your Dad was okay and I let my focus waver for a second, looked away from Tyson. As soon as he pulled out a gun I shot but he managed to fire at Castle. Hit his shoulder." She stops, registers the tears running down her cheeks but she can't do anything to stop them, can't control the ragged breath that escapes her.

"I'm so sorry," she chokes out. "I should- " she can't breathe but she needs them to know how sorry she is, how she knows it's her fault and she doesn't think she'll ever be able to forgive herself for it. "I should have shot faster, shouldn't have let-"

"Katherine, no. Darling it wasn't your fault," Martha reassures her, her voice warm and filled with emotion. The older woman reaches across Alexis and takes hold of Kate's hand in hers. "This isn't your fault." She looks into her eyes and knows she means it.

They sit silently for a moment, all dealing with their grief separately.

"I'll go get some coffee," Martha announces and part of her is grateful but she's just as scared of what Alexis will have to say in her Gram's absence. She nods at Martha appreciatively.

"Thank you for telling me," Alexis says after a few moments of tense silence.

"You deserved to know," Kate tells her, honestly.

"Gram's right. It wasn't your fault."

She wants to say something, thank her or deny it she isn't sure but her voice is clogged in her throat, her eyes burning with unshed tears.

"You couldn't have predicted that psycho's plan. For all we know he was going to kill him in that cell and you'd only have found him in the morning. He made it here because of you." Alexis pauses and looks at her. "Thank you."

Kate takes her hand in hers and manages a watery smile, still can't manage to speak past the lump of emotion in her chest. She registers Martha coming down the hall with three coffee cups on a small tray when a nurse walks up to them.

"Family of Richard Castle?" she asks. Both she and Alexis are on their feet in an instant.

"He's been transferred to a private room for recovery. He won't wake for a couple of hours but you can see him if you'd like," the nurse informs them. "He's going to be okay."

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you for all the kind words, the follows and faves! You guys are amazing. Also, If ever the website stops notifying updates, I post them on twitter and tumblr:**  
 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh, that's wonderful news!" Martha exclaims.

"He'd lost a lot of blood when he came in but nothing a couple of transfusions couldn't fix. There were no major complications during the surgery either. His shoulder will be in a brace for a while and he'll have to go through a bout of physical therapy to get full mobility back in his right arm, but if everything goes as planned, the doctor said he'd be as good as new in a few months."

She feels her heart pound within her chest, the intensity of it leaving her short of breath. Castle is alive. He's okay. Or, he will be.

He'll make it.

Oh God. the relief coursing through her system, alleviating the weight from her shoulders has her tightening her grasp on Alexis' hand, which she realizes she's still holding. The girl doesn't let go either.

They follow the nurse to the room. When she opens the door to let them in, Alexis lets her go and rushes to her father's bed side. Kate is stunned for a moment, her body feels heavy, rooted to the spot as she takes in the sight of him in the hospital bed. Even from a distance he looks frail, his face pale and she can see he's hooked up to an IV.

"He looks worse than he is," the nurse assures him, encouraging her to step inside the room, her lips forming a gentle smile.

This is good. _He's okay_ , she reminds herself. Kate takes slow steps until she makes it to his bed side. Alexis is in the chair on the far side of the room, closest to the wall with a window, and she clings to Castle's hand. Martha places a quick kiss to her son's forehead and sits in the large chair in the corner of the room, keeps watch over all of them.

Kate yearns to touch him, wishes he would open his eyes and look at her, really look at her the way he did before he left five months ago. She knows it won't be that easy, that they'll have things to work through before they get to that point again. But at least… At least now they have the chance.

She pulls up another chair on the opposite side of his bedside and mirrors Alexis' position. She takes his other hand within hers and tangles their fingers, runs patterns with her thumb along the back of his hand, traces his knuckles. She examines his hand, takes note of every crease, fold, the whorls of each fingertip. He wrote their story with these hands.

His fingers twitch and her head snaps up, half expects him to be looking right at her but his eyes are still closed. She can wait. For four years he waited. She put him through this misery for an entire summer, radio silence after he'd spent hours worrying she wouldn't make it off the operation table. She knows that she needed that time to heal, that it was a question of her health but looking back at it now it feels so selfish, so cruel. She's not sure how she'd manage if he disappeared for three months now.

She'd go back and change it if she could but she can't. She sure as hell can wait, though. She'll give him all the time he needs. And she'll be there when he's ready, when he's done healing.

* * *

She steps out for a moment. She's been in Castle's hospital room for over four hours and so far no sign of him waking up. The nurse said it shouldn't be too long now. She gets a call from the precinct, the boys telling her that Gates has been briefed on the case and what happened during the night. Needless to say, her captain wasn't happy about the amount of paperwork this entailed but relieved both she and Castle are fine.

Well, she is fine. Castle will be, in time. She'd stepped out for only a moment and that's when she hears it. Barely makes out Alexis' exclamation of "Daddy" from behind the door and her blood runs cold. She hangs up the phone and pushes the door open frantically.

"What happened, Alexis is, he okay? Is he-" The words die in her throat at the sight of him, eyes open, sitting up slightly in the cot, a tentative smile on his lips. He's awake. For some reason her mind had jumped to the worst conclusion, to his heart monitor going flat when she'd heard Alexis' voice, but… He's awake.

And she... has no idea what to say, finds herself tongue tied at the surprise she sees on his face as he takes in her presence. She doesn't know if he actually wants her to be here. She surely isn't his favourite person right now and he probably just wants time with his daughter, his family. She should just-

"Kate," he manages, his voice so faint it has Alexis reaching for a cup of water on the bedside and handing it to him, but the sound of her name leaving his lips has a nervous flutter erupting in her abdomen. He's… Happy to see her. She can see it; it's in the smile he gives her and in the way he nods his head towards the chair she'd been camped in for the last 4 hours. He wants her to stay.

She wants nothing more than to stay. So she does. Kate makes her way back towards his bedside, takes a seat in the chair, _her_ chair, and reflexively takes hold of his hand. She backpedals almost immediately because she remembers they don't do this. They don't hold hands, don't touch, but she'd been doing it for hours and she's suddenly self-conscious. His grip tightens on hers, his eyes shining with comfort, with gratitude. With genuine happiness. Only Richard Castle could make her smile that way only mere seconds after having woken up from being shot and nearly bleeding out.

"Hey, Castle," she starts, her voice soft, so grateful that he's here. "I told you I'd get you out."

He chuckles and raises his eyebrows at her mockingly. "Didn't realize your plan involved me getting shot and almost dying, Beckett." Kate nearly chokes, ends up coughing to cover it up.

"Dad!" Alexis gasps in horror. He laughs.

"Sorry, sweetie. Too soon?"

"You must really be on the good stuff to be laughing about this already, Castle. Definitely too soon." Kate says and Alexis nods her approval.

"I've always had a thing for gallows humor." He squeezes her hand, the one she's still holding on to and grins at her. She laces their fingers together and squeezes back. He almost looks surprised, like he expected her to drop his hand and leave. She's got a lot of making up to do.

"I'm really glad you're okay," she tells him, meeting his eyes. They hold a light she hasn't seen in so long, genuine feeling and emotion. Love.

"Didn't think I'd let you off of that coffee date so easily, did you?" he asks and she laughs. She shakes her head because he's him, he's Castle, still making jokes while on morphine and he hasn't forgotten their date. She loves this man so much. Not even afraid to admit to herself anymore. She's known for a long while that she's been in love with him.

He looks from her to Alexis and his eyelids begin to droop, his blinks getting heavier by the second.

"Rest up, Castle. We'll be here." She watches him fade, he tries to fight it but his body surrenders to the call of sleep.

"M'kay…" he manages to get out on a sigh before his face goes slack, exhaustion and the drugs in his system overtaking him.

She doesn't let go of his hand.

* * *

"Hey Kate?" Alexis asks a few minutes after Castle has gone to sleep. They all feel much better, like they can finally relax, finally breathe now that he's opened his eyes and talked to them, if only for a few minutes. They finally believe he'll pull through. "Just…Thank you."

"For what?" Kate asks, genuinely perplexed.

"For going to him. Being there when it all went down and making sure he got here. For not giving up on him." Kate can see she's sincere but there's an underlying layer of shame in her tone. She needs to fix this.

"Alexis, I need you to know something." She doesn't let go of Castle's hand but she turns her body slightly in the chair, faces his daughter until she knows she has the girls full attention. Her eyes are wide with worry, almost like she's expecting to be scolded. She looks so much younger. "Your Dad and I have never had an easy relationship. I never meant to hurt him, never meant to hurt any of you. I made a mistake a few months ago. I should have fought harder, like you said-"

"Kate-"

"No, Alexis, you were right. This was on me. I've always known your Dad was special and I let him slip away." She's feeling brave for some reason. Showing her complete deck to the girl who called her out. "I won't make the same mistake twice. I'm going to fight for him."

Alexis looks at her and her eyes are still guilt-ridden.

"I'm so sorry, Kate. I practically attacked you a few days ago and it wasn't my place and I just… I was so scared but it was no excuse for being rude, I shouldn't-"

"Alexis it's okay. You were looking out for your Dad and it's okay. I understand that. I just want you to know I'm looking out for him too. We're on the same team," Kate tells her and Alexis gives her a watery smile. It's forgiving.

"Thank you," she says again.

"Anytime," Kate tells her and she hopes Alexis believes it. Her heart stutters at the realization that she wants to be a part of this family. She wants him and the whole package deal. She looks back at Castle and resists the urge to smooth the lines of his face with her fingertips. This man. He makes her want things she never thought she'd want. She's more when she's with him. And suddenly she's a little giddy with it. He's going to wake up and they have a date to plan.

* * *

 **A/N: Happy Thursday everyone! Thanks again for all your support!**

 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	8. Chapter 8

Leaving the hospital had been one of the most difficult things she's had to do in a while. She'd wanted to stay for the night, wanted to keep watch, to make sure the upward and downward motion of his chest didn't suddenly stop while she looked away. Everyone had insisted she needed sleep but that had been the least of her worries. She's actually dreading the time when she'll eventually have to give in and close her eyes because she'd certain her nightmares will take her right back to that holding cell. She isn't ready to go back there, to see it all again. But Ryan had called and asked her to come down for her statement and Gates had wanted an official rundown.

Castle had teased her about it, had seen the reluctance to leave in her stance even as he'd urged her to go in and get the paperwork done.

"Scared you'll miss me, Beckett?" He'd taunted and she knew he was expecting nothing less than an eye roll, maybe a light glare, or something of a dismissive nature. The surprise on his face had been a true delight when she'd bent down over him and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, her lips landing just shy of the corner of his lips.

"Maybe just a little," she'd whispered and his ears had turned bright pink. Alexis had laughed and Martha had just winked at her. "I'll see you guys soon."

She'd smiled at him over her shoulder before leaving the hospital room and he still had the slightly stunned look on his face, but there had definitely been a smile in there as he'd waved almost shyly before the door shut behind her.

She'd done everything they'd asked at the precinct and then requested a few days off. She had several vacation days stacked up and now seemed like a good time to take them. Castle would be recovering and … They'd have time to talk.

And now she's back and the thought that she had kissed him –albeit on the cheek- has heat blooming throughout her body, her nerves firing as she recalls the pleasant feel of his skin beneath her lips. Kate's standing outside of his hospital door holding two coffees; she knows his order too. She owes him about a hundred coffees, she might as well start towards repaying her debt now.

Coffee was special for them. She doesn't know when but along the way it became a token of his love, one she looked forward to accepting with a smile every morning.

Oh god. It suddenly dawns on her that she _told_ him she loved him. When he was dying. And he hasn't said anything. It's true they've only spoken for about a total of five minutes since he woke up from his surgery but-

Would he remember? Does she want him to remember?

Shit. She'd completely forgotten about her desperate confession. All that mattered was that he survived. She'd needed him to know the truth when she wasn't sure he'd make it. But now…

Now her heart is working double time and she can feel the nervous thrum run through her system, along her limbs up to the tips of her fingers and toes.

Why is she so afraid of the truth? She _does_ love him. It's a fact. She knows it. Why is it so scary that he should know?

 _Because he may not feel the same way_ , her mind supplies and she mentally berates herself. It shouldn't matter. He needs to know one way or another, if they're going to try this, to give them a shot.

She's just not entirely sure he's on board with "giving them a shot." The truth is, she barely knows anything about what his life has been like for the past five months. He'd told her he hadn't been with anyone else but maybe that had just meant no serious relationship? He could have moved on. Five months is a long time…

She looks down at the twin cups of coffee in her hands. She needs to try. No matter what happens, she needs him to know that she never wanted him to leave and that she regrets not fighting for him, for them. If anything, she needs him to know the truth about how she felt when he left, how she still feels about him. She loves him.

He might already know that, if he remembers her soft words from mere hours ago, but he needs to understand them. She needs him to understand where she stands. This is her shot. Their shot.

She tightens her grip on the two cups and opens the door to his room.

Castle is alone, sitting up in bed, no sign of Alexis or Martha. A nervous shiver runs through her at the thought that they'll be without an audience, just the two of them.

"Hey, Castle," she greets, a tentative smile warming her lips. He tears his gaze from the TV screen attached to the wall in front of him and turns it off with the remote, gives her his full attention.

"Kate," he says, a little surprised to see her. "Hey," he smiles until he looks down and notices the coffee in her hands. "Wait no. This isn't- you can't…" he sounds a little desperate and it sets off the panic in her chest.

She stops midway to his bed side, gives him a puzzled look.

He sighs. "This wasn't supposed to be our coffee date." He looks beaten down as he glances away from her and focuses on something near his feet. "I didn't think I'd be in a hospital, tied down to a bed for this. It was supposed to be… more."

He chances a look up towards her.

Kate can't help but smile. He wanted it to be a date. Her heart flutters. "I'm sure there'll be plenty of other opportunities for coffee dates, Castle." His eyes go bright as she sits down in the chair she'd occupied for most of the night while he'd slept and recovered. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I owe you about a hundred coffees."

"I never intended it as a debt, you know." She smiles sheepishly, shrugging because, yeah, she knows. He did it because he's a generous man and he apparently likes to make her smile. He never failed in his endeavor. Never with the coffee. She hands him the cup with his order and he doesn't hesitate to take a sip. He smiles and she sees the awe in his eyes, like he's surprised she remembers his order. Like he expects her to have moved on, passed him and his coffee.

She hasn't. Damn, they need to talk.

"I know," she concedes. "But how else was I supposed to casually ask you out on a date, Castle?"

He chokes on his second sip of coffee.

She laughs at his antics at first but then reaches towards him to try and help when she realizes this amount of coughing cannot be good for his shoulder. She sets down her cup on the bedside table and reaches for his, places beside hers, her hands returning to him as she attempts to keep his shoulder steady. He's finally able to catch a breath without wheezing or the air catching in his throat and starting another fit of coughing.

"You okay?" She asks, half concerned, half teasing, a small smile on her lips.

He looks up and suddenly they're closer than they've been in months, her face leveled slightly above his, their noses separated by a mere inch of space and she feels her own breath catch in her throat.

"Yeah," he confirms and it comes out a little winded, his voice rough from the coughing and it should not have heat zipping through her midsection.

She sees his adam's apple bob in his throat as he swallows, his eyes move to her lips and she wonders what they would feel like against hers, if they'd be as soft and warm as she remembers. Wonders if he'd manage to have her moaning and sighing into him in a matter of seconds like he did during their undercover kiss, a kiss that's been haunting ever since it happened, the only thing that's fueled her fantasies for months. She wants to know, _needs_ to know, needs _him_ and she knows they should talk, that they both have some explaining to do but then his breath fans out across her lips and she can't help it, can't help her eyes closing of their own accord, leaning slightly forward, breaching the distance between them.

His lips have barely brushed hers, only a ghost like touch when she hears the door to his room burst open and a wave of shock courses through her, freezing her body in place, halting all movement.

"Darling!" Martha exclaims as she enters the room followed by Alexis and Kate straightens immediately, putting a respectable amount of space between her and Castle. Her face is flush and she feels it down to her toes, her heart beating abnormally fast in her chest. "Oh my, I do hope Alexis and I aren't interrupting anything?"

A joint chorus of "Yes" and "Not at all" comes as an answer from both of them and damn it if this whole situation doesn't have her wanting to crawl under the bed. Maybe under the sheet with him. _Not the time, Beckett_. They have the worst luck for timing.

Martha looks from Kate to Castle but appears unfazed. Whatever moment they've interrupted, it's over now. Alexis, on the other hand, has a deep shade of red warming her cheeks and she doesn't want to be the reason Alexis feels uncomfortable.

She squeezes Castle's hand. "I should go."

"What? But you only just got here," he says, his tone between whiney and petulant and it makes her smile. This man child.

"Nonsense, Katherine, dear! Alexis and I brought back lunch. There's plenty for us to share," Martha tells her by way of invitation.

"Oh, no, Martha I wouldn't want-"

"Kate," Castle squeezes her hand and she'd almost forgotten she hadn't let go. "Please."

He's not begging. He's asking really sweetly and she can see it's genuine, it's real. He really wants her to stay. She can read it in the cerulean depth of his eyes, the almost shy smile on his lips. He doesn't want her to go and she can't tell him no.

She's doomed.

"Okay."


	9. Chapter 9

He's being discharged today and she's oddly sad about it. He's been stuck in the hospital for the past two days and it was the perfect excuse to simply drop by. She didn't have to give anyone an explanation, didn't have to justify her visits.

But now he's going home with Alexis and Martha and they haven't been alone since yesterday when they nearly kissed. She swears she can still feel his breath on her lips. She takes a breath of her own and attempts to school her features, the flush making its way up to her cheeks.

They haven't been alone, haven't talked. Well, they've talked, but not about them, not about what's important. They've made small talk with his mother and daughter, discussed some of the cases she and the boys had gotten recently. They have yet to have a real conversation about them, where they're going, _if_ they're even going anywhere.

Maybe this'll be good, him getting out of the hospital. Maybe this is what they need to finally be alone and uninterrupted. Only it means that she needs to make a move and it's not so simple now that he won't be at the hospital any more. He doesn't need visits to pass the time any longer. He may have something better to do with his time than to sit and have coffee with her and have some heavy conversation. He may have someone else he's been waiting to get back to.

"Kate," Castle's voice pulls her out of her thoughts. He's out of bed, about to leave this hospital room, his arm in a sling. She sees Martha ushering Alexis out the door. "I'll be right out," he tells them.

She's not sure where to look, what to do. They've held hands and nearly kissed. But they haven't talked and this shouldn't-

This conversation cannot be rushed, can't happen right now. He's about to leave to go home and she has no idea where that leaves them. She just knows she can't let him go.

"So we still haven't talked, much. I mean, we've talked, obviously, but not about…" she's a mess, stumbling over her words and this is important and if she could just get things right for _once_ with him-

"You're right. There's a lot I think we need to talk about." She looks up at him. She isn't wearing heels today because she had no reason to go into the station given her few days off but now she kind of wishes she had. She feels small, feels vulnerable having to look up to meet his eyes. And it's not his fault. It's hers. He's always made her feel safe. But she's been wearing her heart on her sleeve for the last few days and it's him, he's the one who's gotten under her skin and she feels exposed, feels like with one word he could ruin her. "Thank you for being here for the last few days, Kate. And thanks for getting me out of that cell."

He would never ruin her. He soothes the ache, a balm to her wounds and with a few simple words he makes her whole. She lets herself smile up at him and he laughs.

"Do you think you'd still be up for that coffee date?"

"Yeah, Castle. I'd really like that," she says, can't help the way her teeth clamp down on her bottom lip.

"Okay, we can talk more about… things, then," he hesitates and she doesn't blame him. There's a reason they've been skirting the words. Both afraid to say they need to talk about them.

She needs to be the brave one this time.

"Yeah, things and… us," she says.

"Yeah." His eyes hold a smile and it spreads warmth through her system, a wave of lightness she embraces.

"So tomorrow? We can text to set a time."

"Works for me." He shrugs and then winces, the movement jostling his shoulder and presumably sending sharp pain through his arm and torso.

Her arm reaches out on reflex, comes to rest on his other shoulder to try and steady him, halt his body's movement to lessen the pain. It doesn't work, has his head turning too fast to look at her hand resting on his good shoulder and it pulls a groan out of him. "Stop moving, Castle."

"I'm trying. I just realized I had no idea how many parts of my body were actually linked to my shoulder and it's way more than I thought," he tells her, self-deprecating. Their gazes lock and she wants nothing more than to lean in, brush her lips to his again, to feel his skin on hers but… not before they talk. This…them, it has to be done right.

"They're waiting. You should go."

"Right. I'll call you. For tomorrow."

"Sure, Castle."

"Okay." He's about to turn towards the door and before she can think better of it she takes hold of his hand, stops him just long enough to lean in and press her lips to his cheek. The rough feel of his stubble scratches against the softness of her lips and she savors the sharp contrast.

"See you soon," she says before heading out of the room ahead of him, leaving him to stand there dumb-struck.

* * *

She calls Lanie. As soon as she leaves the hospital, she speed-dials her best friend and hopes for an answer.

"Well look who's alive and well," Lanie's voice comes through the phone and she only gets to be relieved for about a second before she realizes her mistake. The last few days have been hectic. She hadn't thought to call Lanie. Even after she'd rushed out of her apartment to get to Castle at the precinct where they ended up having to face a serial killer. Not to mention Castle was shot in the process and she'd been camped out in the hospital ever since.

Shit. Her best friend deserves better from her.

"I'm sorry, Lanie. Really, I should have called."

"You better be sorry. You also better be at the morgue in twenty minutes to explain this mess or so help me, I will find you."

"I'll be over in fifteen," Kate promises as she hangs up the phone.

She stops by a drive-thru on her way to the morgue, she owes her friend much more but she figures a good cup of coffee, a solid apology and some gossip about her love life is a good place to start. Lanie always loves to talk about her and Castle.

She walks through the doors and is once again hit by the clinical smell of the morgue, reminding her of the hospital she was in for the last few days. Thank god he ended up in the hospital and not this place.

She barely has time to set the coffees down on one of the clear tables before she's engulfed in a hug. She knows these arms; they've held her through a lot over the past few years. She doesn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her friend, a silent comfort she didn't know she needed.

Lanie pulls back and looks up at her sternly. "You damn near caused me to have a heart attack, you know that?"

"Lanie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea it'd all go down like this when I left your apartment."

Her best friend considers her and her eyes soften. "Well, I'm glad you're okay," she tells her. "How's Castle?"

"He's doing better. He was discharged from the hospital today. His arm is in a sling and his shoulder will need therapy but he'll be okay," Kate says, and she feels so grateful that this is the story she gets to tell considering things could have taken a much more tragic turn.

"You seem to be pretty up to date on the recent details?" Lanie asks, her voice inquisitive. She always knows. This _is_ why she called, after all. Gossip and some good advice. God knows she needs advice.

"I am," Kate admits.

"Should I take that to mean you've been in touch with a certain writer over the past couple of days?"

"You could say that."

"Really? And how is that? The both of you, I mean."

"He was shot, Lanie. I was concerned and so I went to check on him at the hospital."

"Honey, that may be part of it but you and I both know that's not why you've been at the hospital for the past three days."

Kate shuffles her feet and looks down at the ground for a few seconds. This is why she came here, why she wanted to speak to Lanie in the first place. She has no idea why she's blushing. She shouldn't be surprised Lanie knows she's been at the hospital. Esposito must have told her she took a couple of days off.

"I'm scared." She looks back up at her best friend, her eyes pleading for reassurance. "I mean, we haven't really talked in over five months. What if what we have is gone? What if he's moved on?"

"It's normal to be scared, sweetie. That's when you know it's real. When you're putting your heart on the line and risking it all. I know for a fact that what you and Richard Castle have is not something that would ever fade. I've seen it up close and personal for four years so don't you dare fight me on this. And please, move on from you? Kate he waited over four years. He hasn't moved on." It's everything Kate wants to hear but it doesn't quite settle the panic running through her veins, doesn't tame the flutters in her stomach. "There are so many "what if's". You'll never know unless you actually test the waters. Give it a chance. Unless you don't want to?"

"No, no, I want to," she says immediately, because whether or not she wants Richard Castle was never a question. She wants him. It's the exact fact that has her terrified out of her mind. Because she not only wants him with her body, she wants him with her heart and it's all a little new to her. "We're supposed to meet up for coffee tomorrow. To talk about things… us."

"That's great!" Lanie encourages.

"It is, I'm just… Nervous, I guess."

"Oh please, the man worships the ground you walk on. Just be yourself. You could literally spill your coffee all over his lap and he'd probably find it kinky instead of clumsy."

"Lanie!"

"You and I both know that's true."

Kate rolls her eyes but smiles despite herself. She would not drop her coffee all over him, she wouldn't be embarrassing herself. They will just be having a normal, serious conversation like two adults. Her phone pings, alerting her of a text message and she snags it out of her back pocket.

The notification shows it's from Castle and her heart somersaults. He's sent her a picture of his living room, the TV playing what she recognizes as Star Wars with a message reading "Made it home."

It's nothing really, just a thought, but it's sweet. Let's her know he wants her to be aware that he's safe. He cares.

"It must be writer boy if you're smiling like that." Lanie's words pull her out of her thoughts and back to her best friend.

"Yeah, sorry. He's home." She shrugs it off.

"Getting text updates now too?" Lanie teases and Kate can't even pretend she doesn't take the bait.

"Shut up," she says, but it's half-hearted and definitely falls short of anything menacing.

"So are you going to tell him the truth about how you feel?"

She feels the excitement drain from her like a bucket of ice water to her system. The truth shouldn't scare her so much. She investigates to find it every day. Her mother always said "The truth conquers all" and she believes it. The truth just isn't always easy. But she'll try. For Castle. He deserves so much more than just the simple truth. He deserves her very best and she'll be damned if she doesn't give this all she's got. She wants to give _them_ all she's got.

"I will." 

* * *

**A/N: Your support truly means the world to me! Thank you for reading and for all your kind words!**


	10. Chapter 10

Kate responds to his text when she leaves the morgue. _Looks comfy,_ she sends; hopes it's ambiguous enough that he doesn't realize how much she actually wishes she could be there right now. How much she would love to just curl up with him on the couch and hear him chatter excitedly about his favourite movie franchise.

It hits her how domestic the thought is and how much she's never really longed for anything quite like she does this. It's just so new, this feeling of wanting to be constantly close to someone. She's wanted something with him for a long time but she always managed to distract herself from those feelings. For years she managed to convince herself they wouldn't work and then once she was ready to admit that they deserved a shot, suddenly she was forced to heal and had to focus on getting better for them before they could attempt anything. It was easy to avoid facing how much she really wanted it: all of it.

But not now. Now it's all there, and she feels so nervous, so out of her element as she's confronted with the force of her desire for this to work.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket.

 _You're welcome to join,_ his text reads and it sends a jolt of electricity up her spine. She doesn't know if he actually knows that she wants to be there, or if he's just being polite. Maybe _he_ wants her to be there.

Things have been good for the past two days and she doesn't want to rush anything. She also doesn't want to intrude on what seems to be a family night. Alexis needs her Dad and they deserve a night to themselves.

 _Thanks, but maybe some other time_. _I have plans with Lanie_ , she fibs. The last thing she wants is for him to think she doesn't want to be there. She really does. But she can't; not tonight. It doesn't feel right, not when they haven't talked and not when he needs to be with his family.

 _I'll hold you to that, Detective_ , he answers teasingly and he always knows just how to make her smile, how to make the weight of the world disappear. He lightens everything.

 _I hope you do,_ she answers in turn, herself teasing, feeling brave, shielded somehow by the screen between them. She puts her phone away as she leaves the morgue and hails a cab to her apartment.

When she gets home she decides she needs a little time to herself, to relax and not think things through too much. She picks up a book from her shelf, one of his of course. She settles on Heat Wave because she hasn't read it in a while and she's been wanting to. With the way things had ended between them she just couldn't bring herself to pick it up. But now, things are different… They're good.

Or at least heading that way. She sets the book down on the table beside her bath and turns the taps, adjusting the water to a warm temperature, just short of scalding. She's always liked an excruciatingly warm bath, to feel her entire body engulfed in heat, limbs loose, letting herself completely melt away.

She gets a glass of wine from the kitchen as she waits for the water to pool into the tub.

When she returns to the bathroom, the tub is nearly filled and she sets her glass of wine on the table to turn off the faucets. She quickly takes off her day's clothes and steps into the tub, dipping one feet in first and letting her skin adjust to the overly warm water, before doing the same thing with the next, and slowly easing the rest of her body into the water. She lets her eyes fall shut for a second, lets her head rest against the porcelain at her back and her body just feels weightless.

Nothing like a warm bath to let everything else fall away. Until her cellphone rings.

She's reluctant to pick it up. It could be the precinct. Groaning, she grabs it from the table despite her slight irritation.

It's Castle. She accepts the call and brings the phone to her ear.

"Hey, Castle," she greets in lieu of the usual clipped answer of her surname.

"Beckett, hey. I hope I'm not interrupting your night with Lanie?" It comes out a bit sheepish as if he tried resisting to call but failed.

Her night with Lanie? She's confused for a second before she realizes that's the lame excuse she gave him to gracefully decline the offer to his place. Shit, she should have known that was going to come back to bite her in the ass.

"No, um. Perfect timing actually, I just got home." She tells him, hoping to avoid any more questions on the subject.

"Oh, well that was a pretty short night out," he says probably without thinking and it just eats at her because this is not okay. This not how they should start, not with secrets and lies, no matter how trivial.

"Actually, I wasn't really with Lanie. Well, I was, just not the whole night. I-"

"It's fine, Beckett. You don't have to explain... I shouldn't have called." She can hear the hurt laced in his words, the quiet disappointment and even maybe a bit of anger. She's hurt him and he probably thinks she lied because she didn't want to be there, that she was avoiding him and that's not-

"No, Rick, please. Let me explain, it's probably not what you think," she says and she sits up in the bath.

"Kate, if you didn't want-"

"No, I wanted to." She cuts him off. She isn't going to just let him assume he knows what she's feeling. Not this time, not when he's so wrong, has been wrong for over five months. "I wanted to be there. I just wasn't sure Alexis would have wanted that and I thought you'd need time with her and your mom. I just wanted to give you some space. But I…" she takes a breath because this honesty and being open really isn't so easy. "I really wanted to be there." She pours everything she has into her explanation and she really hopes he can hear the sincerity in her voice. God, she wishes she could see him right now. She needs to know he understands.

He doesn't answer for a couple of seconds and it has her anxious, makes her want to just blurt everything out, to tell him she loves him, but this is not how it should happen. Not over the _damn_ phone.

She won't let him hang up, though. Refuses to let him go so easily. "I meant it when I said some other time. Sooner rather than later?" She lets the suggestion trail off as a question, because he might just be done with her. Did she really think she could salvage everything after all those months? She isn't worth fighting for. Everything with her is complicated and messy and she just makes it all so much more difficult. He doesn't need that in his life. He'd said as much in the last few weeks they'd worked together. He'd wanted fun and uncomplicated and the subtext was clear: not like her.

God, she's ruined everything.

"Maybe later in the week then?" He asks and it shakes her. He still-

He isn't done.

"Yeah," she says, her voice choked with the well of emotion clogging her throat. "Yeah, I'd like that." Her voice trails off and relief washes through her. She hears him clear his throat.

"I was actually calling to schedule something else. That coffee date we'd talked about?" He asks and he sounds almost shy. It fills her with so much hope when a minute ago she'd felt her insides shatter. He still wants to talk, still wants to share coffee.

"Right, yes," she says, hoping her voice doesn't sound as strained as it feels. "How about tomorrow around noon?" She suggests.

"Eager, Beckett?" He taunts, aiming for light, given the misunderstanding a few seconds ago and she rolls her eyes even though she can't deny it. She wants to see him again. She realizes it's barely been a day since she's last seen him in the hospital but really it's been five months and its left her kind of desperate.

"Maybe a little," she admits, going for teasing again and absent mindedly flicking at the water with her index.

"Was that water?" He asks and he sounds genuinely panicked. Oh no. "Is- did… Are you taking a bath?" his voice is high pitched, like this is an alarming situation and she can't help but laugh at him.

"Maybe," she answers, doesn't want to give herself away but… He can fantasize. She's done enough of that recently.

He groans and she can hear his body dramatically hit the mattress with a soft thud and a rustle of the sheets beneath him. It only makes her laugh some more.

"You're killing me here, Kate."

"Would you rather I not have answered the phone?" she asks with a raised brow even though she knows he can't see her.

"Oh no, it's a great death, I assure you." Kate chuckles and she hears him laugh on the other side of the line as well.

Their laughter dies and silence takes its place for a beat. It has her yearning for so much more. She wants to tell him. To hell with it.

"I've missed you, Castle." Her voice is small, a whisper at most but he hears her. She recognizes what is a sharp intake of breath through the phone and she imagines her confession has left him a little shocked. She doesn't usually do this. She's closed off and wounded and she never really lets on what's on her mind. She's never let him see this side of her, even though he'd fought and patiently waited for every piece of her he could get.

She sees that now, sees how much he cared and she wants to give back. Hopes it's not too late.

"I missed you too. Five months is a long time." Her heart seizes in her chest, the reminder tugging sharply at her insides and she unconsciously brings her hand up to rub the scar between her breasts.

"It is. There's a lot I was hoping we could talk about tomorrow."

"Me too, Kate," he says and his voice is soft, soothing. She wishes she could fall asleep to the lullaby of his words.

"So at noon?"

"It's a date," he confirms and her heart flutters. It really is a date. "Until tomorrow, Kate."

"Until tomorrow." She responds and she's so glad he didn't just say 'night'.

She hangs up and sets the phone down on the table. She sees the book lying next to her glass of wine and her bath might not have gone exactly as planned but she thinks what happened instead is most definitely better.

Kate drains the tub and dries herself off with a towel. After putting away her wine glass and sliding the book back onto her shelf, she pulls on her pyjamas, turns off the lights in her apartment and settles beneath the warmth of her comforter.

She falls asleep to the siren call and promise of tomorrow.

* * *

 **A/N: This is a slow burn kind of story, so I apologize if some of you feel like I'm stretching it out. I can assure you though, "the talk" is actually next chapter! ;) Thank you for all your kind words!**

 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	11. Chapter 11

She wakes up later than what's usual for her. By the time she opens her eyes and rolls over in the sheets to look at the bedside clock it's half past ten and suddenly her body is wide awake.

Kate jolts up from bed and curses herself when she nearly trips over something lying on the ground in her haste to make it to the shower. She needs to get ready and she's only got about an hour now, thanks to her body's need for extra sleep.

She has a date at noon. With Castle.

She'd being ridiculous. They are going out for coffee and lunch, this shouldn't have her stressing about what to wear, what kind of makeup to apply and which lotion to use post shower. She settles on the almond-cherry cream she loves. Not to mention she very distinctly remembers he noticed it too, a few years ago. That is so not why she continued to buy it. Definitely not for him. Nope.

She makes sure her makeup is light, natural. Castle won't mind and she much prefers it that way. He worked with her every day for four years for god's sake, she should not be this anxious about how she looks. Yet here she is, staring down her closet because nothing seems good enough for today, for everything that it means to her. Today is special and she wants it to feel that way. She wants Castle to know it means something to her.

And damn it, she knows he's not so shallow as to look at the way she's dressed to assess whether or not their date is important to her, but she cares and _ugh_ \- why is this so complicated?

 _You're thinking too hard, Kate_. Somehow it's his voice she hears in her head telling her to relax, coaxing her to just be natural, to be herself.

She groans in exasperation at herself and pulls out a flowery blouse with sleeves that end just above her elbow from her closet, one with deep browns and a turquoise blue she doesn't put on very often. It feels good. She thinks he'll like it. She tucks the end of it inside her pants and does a once-over in the mirror. This isn't half bad.

By the time she's ready it's more than time for her to leave her apartment. She grabs her phone, which she realizes she hasn't checked all morning, a light autumn jacket, her keys and heads for the elevator. She hails a cab and pulls her phone out of her pocket to check if anyone has tried contacting her. There's a text from Lanie that has her biting back a laugh.

 _You better give me an update by the end of the day. Unless, of course, you're getting your freak on with writer boy._

She figures she'll answer that one later.

There's another text from Castle and she feels the nervousness she'd managed to chase this morning return.

 _Leaving the loft. I'll see you soon._

She honestly feels like a teenage girl and it's ridiculous that a simple text like this makes her body go warm all over. She's at a complete loss for how her body is reacting to this man and it's throwing her off balance. Nothing has ever felt like this. Sure she's been nervous about dates before, felt the jitters, but this is an ever present sensation that throws her for a loop. It's different with him.

The taxi pulls up next to the coffee shop where they'd agreed to meet and she takes in a deep breath. This is important and she's not about to let her nerves ruin anything.

A bell jingles above her head as she pushes through the door of the café, signalling her entrance to the baristas. She looks around and scans the seats but sees no sign of Castle anywhere.

Kate moves toward the far side of the café and takes a seat in a booth she judges would be a good place for important conversations. It's not too close to the counter so they aren't likely to get interrupted very often by customers. She takes out her phone and sends Castle a quick text telling him she's arrived and saved them a spot to sit inside.

So now she waits and it's enough for every synapse in her body to begin firing, her nerves acting up as she has nothing to distract her from the conversation she's been thinking about for days… well months, really. She curses herself, notices her hands are getting clammy and _who_ is this person she's becoming?

She rubs her hands along her thighs, attempting to dry them and soothe her rapidly increasing heartbeat all at once.

She doesn't notice when he enters nor when he approaches the booth.

"Hey."

She looks up sharply, startled because apparently her entire body has chosen today to rebel against all form of self-control and she can't get it together. But he doesn't seem to notice, or if he does, he pays it no mind and she's eternally grateful. He's all smiles and she can't help it, it's contagious. She smiles back at him.

"Hey, Castle." He slides in opposite her in the booth and takes a seat, taking off his coat to reveal a dark blue dress shirt she can't help but notice brings out his eyes. His right arm is still in a sling and she notices his face grimace slightly when he slips off the sleeve of his coat. "How's it feeling?"

"I've been better, but it's manageable," he says with a shrug that tells her he doesn't mind so much, or at least he wants her to think so. She lets it go for now.

"Have they got you off the good stuff already?" She asks, teasing.

"Definitely no more good stuff," he confirms. "Although a coffee with you does wonders."

Kate feels her cheeks blush deeply and she looks down at the table, shying away from the depths of his gaze. He's grinning, she can tell, enjoying every moment of this and she can't say she isn't either, he's just so much better at… whatever this is? Flirting?

"I'll get that coffee," he says, standing up and moving towards the counter. He knows her order like the back of his hand so of course it's no problem and she won't argue to pay the bill for coffee. Lunch, however, may be a different story.

Before she knows it, he's back with two large coffees in hand and sliding one across the table to her as he settles back into his side of the booth.

"So, how was your bath last night, detective?"

Kate glares at him from behind the rim of her coffee cup, taking a large sip of the rich, creamy vanilla mix. Hmm, this is good coffee and it's the first thing that seems to be successfully settling her nerves this morning. It feels like home; it's natural to talk with him over coffee. She can do this

"Not as relaxing as I'd planned," she muses. "I was interrupted by a certain writer," she volleys back, her tone mockingly accusatory, her brow arched in challenge.

"Touché," he admits and she laughs.

It's silent for a few seconds, not uncomfortable, not awkward, but she can feel him waiting her out. He isn't pressuring her, just patiently waiting the way he always does. Her brow furrows in concentration, contemplating to find the right words for this.

"Rick-"

"Uh-oh," he mutters, low and under his breath but she hears it.

"What?" she asks, looking up at him, puzzled and he seems surprised that she heard him or maybe that he even said it out loud.

"Nothing, sorry…"

"No, what is it?" she asks, because if he doesn't want to be having this conversation, if he didn't come here expecting to talk…

"Nothing, really. It's just, usually when you use my first name, nothing very good follows…" he trails off, his eyes downcast towards a random point on the table, refusing to look at her.

Oh, how she has some making up to do. She feels a surge of affection rise from within her chest and she reaches over the table to take his hand in hers. He visibly startles, wasn't prepared for such a contact but he doesn't pull away. She can see the awe that brightens his eyes as he gently unfurls his hand only to lace her fingers with his. She doesn't fight it, not when it's exactly what her body craves.

"Not this time," she reassures him, looking into his eyes to make sure he understands. This conversation is serious, it's real, but if things go the way she plans, it leads nowhere bad.

The corner of his lips quirk up at her words and he nods at her, silently asking her to continue what she'd started.

"I made a lot of mistakes last year," she starts. "I kept secrets and I was focusing on myself, trying to heal so that I could get to a better place, both for me and… for us. But I think I did a pretty poor job at showing you the latter."

"Kate," he interjects.

"No, it's okay," she forges on, needs to get this out. "I was never a very open person and I realize things with me get complicated sometimes, but when you left, Castle, I- none of it mattered. Not without you." She looks up at him. "I'm sorry that I lied to you. I heard you, that day in the cemetery. At my shooting. And at first I wasn't sure if I'd dreamed it, but it felt more like a memory than a dream and I somehow couldn't bring myself to tell you, not because I didn't feel the same way but because I wasn't ready. I was nowhere near the person you needed me to be, I wasn't whole. I needed time to heal, to be the person I wanted to be for us."

She squeezes his hand, looks up at him and the expression on his face is pained.

"God I feel like such a jackass," he says, his voice strained with emotion, with shame. "All this time… I heard you in the interrogation room with Bobby during the bomb case we worked. You told him you remembered everything from your shooting and I just- I assumed you just didn't feel the same, that you were embarrassed for me. I thought I was doing you a favour by leaving."

"Shit, Castle, that's… _That's_ why you left?" She asks and god it hurts because she sees it all so _clearly_ now. The lone coffee on her desk when she'd come out of the interrogation room. The sudden turn in his emotion, his mood, his presence. It all makes so much damn sense, and _how_ could she not have pieced it together before this? To think that they could have avoided five months of misery had they just _talked_ instead of assuming what the other felt. "I thought you left because you didn't want to wait for something so complicated anymore."

"Fuck." He curses under his breath, shakes his head and runs his thumb over her knuckles, soothing, despite the fact that nothing can quite relieve the excruciating weight in her chest at the moment. This is all such a mess. "Kate, I was never done waiting for you. I just didn't think there was anything to wait for. I'm so sorry."

"No, it's me. I shouldn't have let you leave. I should have asked for explanations, _something_. I was a coward, afraid to face my own feelings."

"Let's just say we both messed up. Made some pretty wrong assumptions and poor decisions."

"Yeah…" she agrees. How did they both read the situation so wrong? Actually, looking back at it now, it's pretty damn simple: miscommunication. If they'd only talked to each other, all of this could have been avoided.

 _Well, enough of that_. There's no time like the present and if her words even have a slight probability of easing the heaviness compressing her insides to shreds, it will have been worth it.

"Castle," she squeezes his hand still within hers and makes sure she has his full attention. "I love you. The last five months-"

She has no time to react, to prepare herself and the next thing she knows he's reaching over the table, his hand dislodging from hers only to caress her cheek and slide in her hair before his mouth is on hers. She sighs when his lips meet hers, soft and warm pressure like she's never known she needed and both her hands fly out of their own volition, grasping at his shirt, tangling in his hair to bring him closer, god just _closer_. She gets a brief taste of coffee from his tongue that has tingles running down the length of her spine, along her limbs and she can't help the small moan that makes it past her lips and onto his. He groans but then he's pulling away and she's had nowhere near enough, isn't ready to let him go.

She opens her eyes and sees him looking back at her, deep indigo betraying the lust he feels despite his apparent show of restraint. Good. She can't be the only one affected here.

"The last five months have been an absolute hell, Kate." He finishes her last sentence and relief washes through her system. She'd never wish any pain on him but it settles something in her to know that he'd felt her absence as prominently has she'd felt his. He'd missed her. She takes hold of his hand once more.

"How about we forget the past five months and focus on now?" She suggests.

"I like that plan a lot," she grins and he smiles back.

"Me too."

* * *

 **A/N: I truly hope you're still enjoying this story, it means the world to me that so many of you are reading and commenting on it!**


	12. Chapter 12

She doesn't let go of his hand all through their time at the café. They talk about his mom, Alexis and her dad, about the good or decent things that have happened over the past five months, catching up instead of rehashing the past and opening up old wounds. They eat at the café and by the time their coffee mugs are empty, their plates finished, she's just not ready to let go.

"So… Any plans for the rest of the day?" She asks, even though she thinks it might be too forward, too obvious she doesn't want to leave him just yet.

"To be honest, I hadn't thought about anything past lunch with you. Couldn't, really," he says, his voice a tad sheepish and warmth pools through her veins at his confession. To know that he'd been anxious and anticipated their date as much as she had sets her stomach aflutter. "But the doctors recommended rest, so I guess I'll just be heading back to the loft and taking it easy."

Kate nods, agreeing that rest is a wise decision considering he was shot less than three days prior. But maybe they can talk a bit more before she has to let him go. "When do you start physiotherapy?"

"Sometime next week, most probably. I'll have to call to make an appointment for that." He's trailing his thumb along the ridges between her knuckles, sending shockwaves that travel from his skin and onto hers, up the length of her arm, making it next to impossible to concentrate on what he's saying. "I'll probably do that later since my mother will already be out gallivanting and Alexis has plans with Paige for the day."

"Might also be a good time to get some writing done?" she suggests. Castle groans and lets his head hang down in what she assumes is frustration, though it doesn't seem to be directed at her, per se. She looks at him quizzically and waits him out.

"Please, not you too," he huffs, looking back up with supplication filling his gaze. "Everyone has been on my case about deadlines, especially Gina. I'm avoiding her calls but unfortunately there's no way to avoid the dozens of daily email reminders she sends me. You'd think my being held by the NYPD or even getting shot might have deterred her, but the woman is relentless."

Kate feels a slight wave of panic course through her as she takes in this new information. Has he not been writing? Did she do that? But he can't… He-

She took away the words that saved her from drowning. She stopped him from doing what he loves, from creating the stories that others love, the web of words and characters that helped her heal. What if others need it to heal?

She's jumping to conclusions and it might break her heart if he confirms her suspicions but she needs to know. Clearing her throat, she rips off the band aid and asks.

"Have you not been writing?" It comes out tentative, her voiced strained, afraid of what he'll answer. _Please_ , let her not be responsible for this too.

He looks up and meets her eyes. He shakes his head and she feels a heavy weight anchor itself on her chest. What has she done?

"Not really," he sighs and she can see it's hurting him, that his lack of ability to write has been troubling him. "I'd set out to write and I'd just end up staring at a blank page and a blinking cursor. It feels like when I killed off Storm. The words, they just… They stopped."

Her heart beats fast in her chest and the air feels so _thick_. She's having trouble breathing and shit, _shit_ , she knows what this feels like and it is so not the time for her to have a panic attack.

But she cut his inspiration. She stopped the words. She knows it. She took away his greatest passion, his award winning talent and she knew she was destructive, that nothing around her seemed to survive, but this… This just seems to confirm that she's radioactive.

"Are you okay?" Castle asks and she's not, she's really not. She needs air, needs to breathe, probably needs to let him go so he can recover before she completely ruins him. "Kate?" He asks, concerned when she doesn't answer.

She needs to go.

"I'm sorry." She says as she takes back her hand from his, her fingers instantly going cold at the loss and she rushes out of the booth towards the café's exit. She faintly registers Castle calling her name but she needs to get away, she can't catch her breath and her fingers are starting to feel numb.

The cool autumn air hits her cheeks as she pushes through the door and she's finally able to breathe in a couple of times, though it does nothing to steady the world that's begun to spin around her. Kate stumbles a couple of steps towards the closest alleyway and plasters her back against the brick wall, her head tilted upwards and breathing heavily, gulping in as much air as her lungs will allow. This was _not_ how this was supposed to end. Everything had been going so well and then she'd gone and ruined everything. She always does.

A tear escapes her lashes and hits her cheek, cool against her skin and the only breath she manages to take in is ragged. She's made such a mess of things.

"Kate!" She hears and her body bristles automatically. God, she doesn't want him to see her like this. She hears his footsteps growing nearer, knows he's right there and damn it if that doesn't make it even harder to breathe.

She tries to turn her head away from him, but he stops her.

"Hey," he says softly, his hand reaching up to cup her cheek, wiping away stray tears under her eyes with his thumb as he looks straight at her. He looks hurt and scared and his blue eyes are filled with so much concern, she has to close hers to try and get it together.

"What happened? What did I say? You can talk to me, Kate." He comforts her and the soothing motion of his hand up and down her back helps calm her. She focuses on her breathing, in and out, deep breaths, tries to replicate techniques Dr. Burke has shown her, and she listens to the slowly decreasing cadence of her blood pumping through her ear drums.

Once she feels she can speak she says what needs to be said. "You should get out while you can. I'm not… I'm not good for anyone. I'll hurt you, I already have." It contradicts everything her heart wants to say, but after what he's told her, after what she's done, she doesn't deserve him.

Castle pulls back from her slightly "Hey, look at me." He tilts her head up gently with his index finger so that their eyes meet. "I love you. And like hell am I going to let you slip from my fingers again now that you've told me you feel the same way. I don't know what I said or what happened but we can talk through it."

He's right. She can't do this; she can't just run. She told him she loved him and then she bolted at the first sight of trouble. God, she's already so bad at this.

"Where ever your mind just went, don't go there. Talk to me, Kate."

She works past the heaviness pressing on her chest, crushing her to make sure the words come out. "It's my fault. My fault you stopped writing and I can't- I can't do that to you, can't have the power to take it all away. Your words… They mean so much to me, Castle." She closes her eyes again. She's never told him this but he might as well know. He deserves to know why she ran out on him and what caused her to have a damn panic attack.

"When my mom died, your books were the only thing that kept me going. For hours, I could live in a world where victims got closure from losing their loved ones and it just… It kept me afloat. It was the only thing that kept me breathing, kept me sane. Even when I got into the Academy, I needed your books."

He waits her out but she can see that this is a shock to him, that he's holding back from saying so much. "And knowing that I'm the reason you stopped writing- that because of me, you can't find the words, is just- It breaks me." She finishes on a shaky breath. He takes a second, but when he speaks his voice is nothing if not sure and infused with comfort.

"Kate, listen to me," he says, bringing the hand attached to his good arm back up to wipe the tears from her cheeks once more. "You are the reason the words ever came back in the first place. Without you I might never have written a single word after Storm. I can never thank you enough for that. You bring so much more good than bad in my life, Kate." He pauses, lets that sink in. Damn it, he's so good with words.

"I can't lie," he continues, "these last few months have been some of the hardest of my life, but don't think for a second that this is all on you. We both messed up." She can tell he means it but she isn't convinced. He isn't finished, though. "The guilt of having assumed everything, of never confronting you about any of it or even letting you explain, even after you'd reached out to talk, it was eating me up inside. I know you tried to talk to me, Kate, and I wouldn't let you. That's on me. That guilt is probably one of the main reasons why I haven't written." His words grow on her. It's true, she did try to talk to him. But she should have tried harder, never should have let him get away with all the evasion; it's no excuse for letting him leave. She realizes she hasn't said anything but once again, his voice drags her out of her thoughts.

"But seeing you again, it makes everything worth it. I would do it all over again if we'd end up here with the truth finally between us." He pauses and she has to admit, he's a better remedy to panic attacks than she's ever experienced before. She feels the pressure gradually begin to alleviate from her chest, and her heartbeat stabilizes, returns to a more normal pace.

"And Kate, I haven't had the chance to sit at my desk to try and write since we've seen each other again. You know, seeing as I was locked up in holding, framed by a serial killer, shot by said serial killer, then there was the whole hospital stay…" He's joking about it all and she can't help the grin that makes its way to her lips. She hits him lightly on his good shoulder.

"Stop making light of getting shot by a serial killer, it's still way too soon," she warns him half-heartedly, seeing as his plan to get her to relax actually worked.

He smiles, as if everything is okay, as if she didn't just completely freak out on him and have a panic attack during their first lunch date. And maybe it is okay; maybe it can really be this simple. She has the fleeting thought that she doesn't deserve this man, but she loves him, can't help it, and she's a little selfish so she lets him love her back.

He pulls her in gently and she lets herself fall into the cradle of his arms, lets her forehead rest against his clavicle. Mindful of his injured arm in a sling between them, her own arms wrap around his solid frame, gripping to the back of his jacket. She takes in a deep breath, the familiar scent of him surrounding her, and it feels like the first burst of fresh air she's breathed in months. She lets him carry a portion of her weight, lets him run his hand up and down her back and his cheek rest on the top of her head. They'll be okay.

* * *

 **A/N: All your messages are absolutely heartwarming; I can't thank you enough!**

 _Tumblr: zkalway_

 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_


	13. Chapter 13

They'd continued walking around the city, hand in hand, almost as if rediscovering it together - even though Kate realizes how corny that sounds - and eventually he'd surprised her, as he so often does.

"Today's been really great," he'd told her and she couldn't help the blush that heated her cheeks. "And I'll be honest, as much as I never want it to end, I've been feeling pretty inspired." Her heart galloped in her chest at the words. "I might go home and give this single-handed writing thing a try. Might even test the new diction mode on Word if I can't type."

She couldn't help it, didn't really want to at that point because he just- he makes her so damn happy. She reached up on her toes, and used the hand that wasn't tangled with his to bring his head down to meet her lips. The world narrowed down to their only points of contact and all the other parts of her body that yearned to be united with his. He was surprised by her kiss, but in no way reluctant to participate when he realized what was going on. His tongue traced her bottom lip, begging for entrance and – _god yes_ \- she had absolutely no objection. She opened up to him, swallowing his moan and chased his tongue with hers, a battle for dominance she was happy to win or lose. Heat sizzled through her as he gently bit her bottom lip and _oh_ how she wanted nothing more than to drag him up to her apartment and have her way with him right then and there. Soon, she mentally paced herself. They weren't in a hurry. They'd make this work and they'd do it right. And he was going to write.

"Hmm, extra inspired now," he'd said as they broke apart and he pressed a gentle kiss to the tip of her nose. She laughed at his words; at the gesture; at him and this love drunk person he's turned her into.

And so they'd parted, despite how reluctant they'd both been to see the other go, even with the promise of soon between them. She's now in her apartment, curled up in bed with the book she'd intended to read the night before: his first book about them. He'd always said it was based on her but there was no mistaking Jameson Rook for anyone else than Castle and she always knew he was writing down their dynamic. The book was never just about her, it was always them.

As far as she is concerned, soon isn't soon enough. She's not proud of the way she reacted today; how her entire body rebelled against her and brought forth negative thoughts and doubts about their ability to make things work given the mistakes they'd made and the months between them. She'd lost faith in them and she can't help the momentary shame that floods her system.

But he made her see reason, he made her see _them_ and what they can be together. She isn't giving up on that. She promises herself she'll be better.

Part of her is embarrassed he saw her that way, in the midst of a full-fledged panic attack, but the memory of his reaction reassures her. He wasn't upset or bitter or angry with her for the way she fled. He was understanding and compassionate and everything she needed in that moment. It gives her hope that they can make this work.

Kate smiles and puts down the book on her nightstand, nearly already a quarter through. She turns off the bedside lamp and huddles under the duvet, warming up, settling into a comfortable position and she falls asleep with a smile on her lips.

* * *

Blood. Holy _shit_ , there's so much blood. It leaves his body at a steady flow and pools at her feet even as she stands stuck outside the cell. She can't stop it, she can't stop any of it; the cell is locked and he's bleeding out and Jerry Tyson is in the background somewhere laughing and she can't see him either. She's surrounded by his sadistic laugh as she spins on herself trying to find him, to shoot the bastard, but she can't see clearly, can't move, can only register Castle's sputtering from within the cell as he struggles to take in air, unable to breathe past the blood clogging his throat.

She's screaming for help but no one hears, no one's _here_ , no one is even on their way and he's _dying_ and she can't fucking _move_. Her heart beats out of her chest as she begs him to hold on, to stay with her as she shakes the bars of the cell, knowing full well they won't budge without a key.

And then suddenly he stops breathing, his body going limp, the upward and downward motion of his chest halting. She feels a cool wisp of air hit her cheek and her knees buckle in panic, horror filling the entirety of her being.

"He's dead, Kate," Jerry Tyson whispers in her ear.

* * *

She jerks awake, breathing hard and sweat drips from her forehead, clings to her back. She scrubs at the skin of her ears, her neck, her cheek, trying to dispel the still present feeling of Tyson's breath on her. She chokes out a sob as the images flash behind her eyes, the sight of Castle bleeding out and dying so vivid in her mind it nearly has her gagging.

Oh god, Castle.

Is he- he can't. No. He's alive. He is. He has to be. Yes, they… They spent the afternoon together, had coffee and lunch and she panicked but he was there the way he always is. But he also just bled out in front of her eyes and it's all so muddled in her mind, she can't see clearly, can't know for sure which version is real. She needs to see him, needs to hear his voice to know he's okay. It's never been so bad. She's had nightmares of losing him before but this- she can't. Somehow it's never been quite like this.

 _God_ , she just needs to see him.

She jumps out of bed and doesn't bother to change, stays in her night shirt and sweats. She pulls on a jacket, grabs her keys, phone and wallet and runs down the stairs to street level. She walks in the general direction of his apartment until she eventually manages to hail a cab. She didn't even check the time; no wonder it took so long for a taxi to get to her. Shit. She notices it's two in the morning. He's probably asleep by now and she really should have just called.

But she knows it wouldn't have been enough, not with the still haunting sound of Jerry Tyson's words in her ear. No, she needs to hold him, needs to feel and hear his heart beat with certainty beneath his skin. She needs to know he's okay.

She feels restless when the cab pulls up to Castle's loft, but she pays the driver what she owes and rushes toward the building. She receives a surprised look from the doorman she's seen stationed there before, probably due to her state of distress at this ungodly hour and the fact that she hasn't been here in so long.

Kate rides the elevator up to his loft, her foot tapping impatiently against the floor of the metal box and she'd impatient with it. The doors finally open to his familiar corridor and she nearly runs out to reach his door. She doesn't hesitate to knock, doesn't wait until she loses her nerve.

She has the fleeting thought that she might wake Alexis or his mother, that he may not be the one to open the door, but she figures either of them will understand. They have to. She doesn't need much, just needs to see him and then she'll be on her way. All she needs is a glimpse if it's all she can get.

The sound of heavy footsteps from behind the door has her heart racing and the door swings open. It's him.

Oh, thank _god_ it's him.

Kate doesn't think twice before barreling into him, her arms wrapping tight around his body, her face nuzzling his neck as she tries but ultimately fails to stop the sobs and tears that escape her.

He groans softly at the shock of her body hitting his and shit, she didn't stop to think of his arm, his injured shoulder. She starts to pull back, starts to mumble and apology in spite of her tears but he pulls he in closer, hushes her with a quick kiss to her forehead.

She's reluctant, doesn't want to hurt him but eventually squeezes tighter and fists her hands in the soft material of his shirt when she feels his arm band around her, soothing and warm and perfect.

"Kate," he whispers and she can hear the concern in his voice, can read in the stance of his body that he's worried about her, but he doesn't let go, doesn't push her for answers. He gives her a moment to regroup and god if that doesn't make her love him just a little bit more. The scent of him envelops and surrounds her and she almost feels like she's in a cocoon; she's safe. Nothing can touch her here, not with his arms around her.

When she feels her breathing return to a normal pace, she pulls back slightly but her hands never leave his body, only migrate to lace behind his neck. She's not ready to let him go, not when she just saw him die.

Which reminds her, he needs an explanation.

"I'm sorry I came over so late, I didn't realize the time until I'd left my apartment and I realize that was-"

"Kate," he says, his voice soft and she can read through the lines of his tone. He couldn't care less that it is half past two in the morning. He's here for her, no matter the hour. It's all perfectly conveyed in one spoken word and his eyes and his reassuring touch.

She sighs and leans forward, let's her forehead drop until it meets his and they stand there in his door way, toe to toe. He's too good for her but she loves him. So very, very much.

"I had a nightmare," she states and he waits her out. "About when you were in holding when I found you with Tyson. He shot you and I couldn't find the key. I watched you bleed out and I just-"

Her voice catches, cracks around the words as the emotions barrel into her when she recounts the vision she saw so clearly.

"Hey, I'm here, Kate. Not going anywhere, I promise." He brings her in closer still, his arm pulling her in and she offers no resistance; willingly lets herself be pulled further into his chest. She puts her arms around him again and hides her face in the warm cove of his neck, hoping he doesn't feel the tears that fall to her cheeks.

"God, Castle, it was so…" She can't finish.

"I know."

He knows: knows what it's like to watch her die, to see the life drain from her eyes and so she doesn't have to explain but _fuck_ if the thought doesn't twist the knife in an already gaping and bloodied wound. Her breathing is ragged but the work of his hands against her skin helps.

"I had to see you," she explains. "I had to know you were okay," she whispers as she rests her head against his collar bone.

"I'm glad you came. You're always welcome here, Kate."

After several minutes he pulls back slightly but doesn't take his hand from her back. He ushers her into the loft, guiding her to sit on the sofa. He sits before she does and she doesn't hesitate to curl up next to him, banding her arms around him.

"You want to talk about it some more?" He offers, letting her know he's always there to listen and she turns her head into him, placing a kiss to his chest, hopefully conveying how grateful she is to have him.

"Not really," she admits, doesn't particularly want to relive the horrors she thought were real. "Maybe we could watch a movie?" She suggests.

"Movie it is." He grabs the remote from beside him on the couch and pulls up the Netflix app. She snuggles into him, reassured by the firm beat of his heart against her ear and patterns his fingers trace against her skin. He's okay.

* * *

 **A/N: It's such a pleasure to share this story with all of you! Thank you for being so lovely!**


	14. Chapter 14

She makes it through their first John Woo movie of the night without falling asleep, still too wound up from her nightmare and the fear of having lost him. He was surprised when she suggested they could watch "Hard Boiled", didn't think she'd want to see so much blood after having a nightmare and having to watch him bleed out in front of her.

It's just not the same with movies; it's easier to distinguish fiction from reality. She knows what's on the screen isn't real and seeing blood isn't a trigger for her: that would be all too problematic for her job.

It's nowhere near the same as seeing his blood.

So she sits with Castle, curled up on his couch and she'd practically be in his lap if she were any closer to him. She revels in this new found proximity, the shared sense of intimacy that's bloomed between them in these last few days. They aren't shy with each other, neither one of them resist the urge to reach for the other when they feel like it. It's new and yet it already feels familiar, already feels like instinct to seek out his touch.

The credits roll on the screen, and she takes stock of every way their bodies are connected. One of her hands rests on his thigh while the other is laced with the hand of his injured shoulder. Her chest is peeled to his as he bares the weight of her and her head rests on his collarbone. His other arm is wrapped around her shoulders and his fingers trace patterns on the skin left exposed by the short sleeved night shirt she wears.

Goosebumps form on her flesh at his ministrations, sending sparks through her limbs, her entire body humming with it. It oddly has her both grateful and yet partly melancholic all at once as it reminds her of all the time they've lost, wasted on cowardice and unspoken words. She's taken back to the worst night she spent apart from him, the one night she thought she might be brave enough to change things. The night when she had nothing left to lose and yet, she still couldn't muster the courage to knock on his door. She made it all the way here, though; soaked to the bone as she'd sat at the swings she'd thought of as 'theirs' and considered reaching out to him.

She'd been beaten, had let the man who shot her get away and even after over a few weeks since his departure and radio silence, all she could think about was him. She almost died and she had no other thought than of him. And she _still_ hadn't knocked on his damn door.

Oh, how she regrets it now.

"Whatever you're thinking about, I don't like it if it has you frowning like that," he tells her, interrupting her thoughts. Ever the perceptive one, he knows she's bothered by something. She loves that he cares enough to comment on it; that he doesn't push but opens the door to talking about it if she needs or wants to.

Being so open isn't easy for her, doesn't really come naturally, but somehow he helps. She tries for him.

"I know we said we were going to focus on now and not the months we've spent apart but I think part of me is still grieving for the time we wasted. We can't get that back, you know?"

He sighs and pulls her in closer with the arm already around her, knows he can't say much to comfort her about lost time. She nuzzles her nose and cheek against the exposed skin of his collarbone and squeezes his fingers currently laced with hers. He should probably know this.

"I almost came here about four months ago. Made it all the way to your doorstep and then I backed out, figured you'd moved on and disturbing you wasn't worth the embarrassment."

He groans softly and she knows he's joined her in this state of regret.

"Damn it, that's painful to hear," he admits. "If only you'd knocked," he wishes aloud.

"I know. That's what I kept telling myself." She pauses. She didn't think she would bring this up but for some reason she feels compelled to, wants to make sure he's up to speed on this because she knows her shooting affected him gravely. "There'd been a break in my mom's case," she tells him and she's so close, their bodies so intertwined she feels his sharp intake of breath as if it was hers.

"There was a lead on my shooter and I didn't want to risk losing it or alerting him in any way by getting back-up. Espo and I ended up going rogue. It was a bad plan. Long story short, I found him and… I was no match. He threw me around like I was nothing and I ended up hanging off a roof." She can feel his heartbeat grow faster as she recounts the tale, as if he's reliving it for her. She pulls back from his chest, adjusts her back, wants to be looking at him for this.

"I almost died and all I could think about was you. I just wanted you," she confesses and she's close to tears now, her breath shaky, the memory of it all pulling and tugging at her heart. "I was so afraid, Castle, so scared that you'd moved on and I just-"

He silences her with the heat of his mouth, the insistent push of his lips against her own and she gladly accepts the interruption, happy to be distracted from this horrible memory, the awful feelings she'd harbored at the time which she feels so vividly now. She pours all of it into this kiss, the urgency, the ache, the anger, the fierce want, the regret, all of it.

"Never. Never moved past you, Kate." He mumbles between kisses and she moans as his lips make their way across her cheek, down to her neck and suck against the skin under her ear. She pulls back and takes a second to look at him, truly look. There is undeniably love in his gaze and she hopes her eyes tell a similar story.

This. _This_ is what she's been missing for months.

No more, she vows. She's done missing out on what's right in front of her.

She's done letting things get in the way.

She embraces the deep yearning his touch has set aflame through soft touches; she's done holding back, done not taking what she's wanted for so long. She wanted him so fiercely that night and she denied herself, deluded herself into believing things for which she had no evidence.

The evidence she has now is that he wants her. And _god_ does she still want him.

Kate makes sure not to put any pressure on his shoulder or the arm that sports a sling as she pushes up on her knees and swings one of her legs across his lap, straddling him. She hears his sharp intake of breath and feels the fingers of his good arm dig into the skin at the bottom of her spine as he holds on, frantically pulls her closer- _yes_ _closer_.

Her entire body feels flushed, every nerve ending firing deliciously through her system, her blood buzzing with it. She feels the hand at the base of her spine travel the length of her back and pull her in close toward him as his upper body surges from the back of the couch, searching for her kiss. She sighs as she bends down and meets him half way, both her hands coming up to cup his face, his cheek, tangle in his hair, anything to keep him close and god this feels good. Their lips meet and his tongue glides past her lips, stroking hers in a tantalizing dance that has her grinding in his lap, desperate for friction to alleviate the tight pressure building up at her core. He groans and she can feel how quickly this is affecting him, how fast and efficiently his body responds to her. _Oh_ , if he knew the evidence of her arousal was just as present beneath two layers of clothing.

His lips pull away from hers and she gasps for breath when he lays soft kisses to the skin of her neck, nips and licks to soothe the bite and it drives her insane.

"Castle," she moans, as his hand moves down once more to cup her ass and it only has her shifting against him, wild with need.

She hears him hiss and feels his body spasm, but not the good kind.

Oh no.

"Shit, Castle, your shoulder. Did I hurt you?" She asks, pulling away.

She forgot, her desire for him sending her in a frenzy of heavy touches and she should have been more mindful. He groans and let's his head fall into her neck.

"Not you," he mumbles against her skin, and she'd find it adorable if she weren't so concerned for him right now. "It's me and this damn shoulder. I can't- I want to touch you, Kate. So damn much. And I really shouldn't be moving this arm but my body isn't listening when you're moving your hips in my lap like that."

She knows he wants her. That's the problem. He _really_ wants her, but he's not fully recovered, his body not ready for such activities. Well, certain parts are very ready.

And it's hard to focus, hard to see reason –oh, so many things are hard- when he's still brushing his lips across her neck.

"Rick," she goes for admonishing but she knows she doesn't quite make it, her voice a tad too breathy. All she wants is to cradle his head to her chest, wants the feel of his tongue and his lips on other parts of her body. But they have to wait. She doesn't want this moment to be marred with pain, wants every bit of it to be perfect, to be absolute pleasure and bliss for the both of them.

"You're hurting," she says, pulling away softly. "And as much as I want this right now, I think we should wait. I don't want to hurt you or to be afraid of hurting you when we do this."

She knows he hates this, but she thinks he understands and he agrees even though it pains his to do so.

He huffs and slumps back against the couch and takes her with him, taking half the weight of her body on his good side.

"I hate this," he says petulantly and she almost purrs when his fingers begin massaging her scalp and playing with the strands of her hair. He backtracks, realizing what he said could mean something very different than what he meant. "I mean I love this, I didn't mean, I - Just the part where we can't-"

"Me too, Castle," she fills for him, letting him know she completely understand what he means and she feels just as disappointed as he does that they had to call a time out on progressing to the next level.

She feels him relax against her when he realizes she gets it and she smiles against his chest. This man.

She can't wait to be with him, body and soul, but they'll have to wait just a little bit longer for the 'body' part.

"You up for another movie?" He asks, suppressing a yawn.

"Sure," she agrees. "The Killer?"

"Your wish is my command," he says, while pulling up the movie from the Netflix database and she giggles slightly, turning her head against his chest to hide her laugh. She knows she's tired but she doesn't want to go, doesn't want to leave him.

So she settles in.

She wraps her arm around him once more, content to lay here with him and lets the feel of his hand in her hair lull her to sleep.

* * *

 **A/N: Just want to let you guys know that your response to this story keeps me smiling for days! Thanks for everything! -Zoe**

 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_  
 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	15. Chapter 15

She wakes up to the feeling of warmth surrounding her, not overbearing heat, but a cozy, cocoon-like blanket enveloping her. Slowly, the rest of her senses begin to register and when the familiar smell reaches her nose she can't help but nuzzle her way closer to the source. As the rest of her body begins to wake, Kate becomes aware of an arm around her, not tight nor suffocating, but a welcome weight around her waist keeping her close. And then she remembers.

Castle.

She's been nuzzling into the cove of his neck and the events of last night begin to drift back to her.

They were watching a movie and she fell asleep, on him, apparently. She also remembers quite clearly the frantic make-out session they had on this very couch, one that may have gone much further had she not been worried about hurting his recovering shoulder. The memory has her clenching her thighs as heat pools in her lower abdomen. The reflexive movement has her realizing that their legs are intertwined, the entire length of her body pressed against his. _Oh_ , it's selfish of her, she knows, but she can't wait for him to recover, can't wait to discover the magic their bodies can make together. To her credit, it has been over four years coming and judging by his state last night, it may not be all that selfish. Regardless, she won't be pushing him; she's content to wait while he heals.

Speaking of healing, this is probably an incredibly uncomfortable position for his arm. As she goes to wake him she takes note for the first time of a blanket wrapped around the both of them. She doesn't remember there being a blanket last night but she can ask him about it later. She doesn't really want to leave this nest of warmth and tangled limbs but she doesn't want him in any pain.

"Castle," she whispers softly, her arm coming up over the blanket stroking her thumb along his cheek, the stubble rough against the pad of her finger.

He makes a sound, a soft groan that tells her he's on the verge of waking. She lazily runs her fingers in his hair, lets him rouse at his own pace and he hums at her gentle ministrations.

"Hey," she whispers when his eyes begin to blink open and the full blown smile he gives her, when he realizes that she's here with him, is everything to her. She can't help but reciprocate.

"Hey," he answers her, his eyes filled with so much love it should scare her, definitely would have five months ago, but now it steadies her. It feels like solid ground.

"I would have been happy to stay like this but it probably isn't good for your arm," she explains, doesn't want him to think that for some reason she was eager to wake him or to leave. She wants him to know she's here to stay.

He grunts as he most probably takes stock of his shoulder's condition.

"Probably not the best position," he acquiesces. "But definitely the best sleep I've had in a while," he reassures her and his foot strokes lazily over the muscles of her calf.

She hums at the welcome touch and his sweet talk.

"Did you put this blanket over us?" he asks, probably still coming to his senses and taking in his surroundings.

"No, I thought that was you, actually," she yawns and lets her head fall to his chest once more. A few more minutes of rest and cuddling never hurt anyone, she reasons.

"Probably my mother," he deduces. "I suspect she came home sometime in the early morning."

A deep flush colors the skin of her neck and cheeks at the thought of his mother finding them like this, all tangled and asleep together on the couch. She hides her face in his neck, trying to conceal the reddening of her cheeks but groans when he laughs at her. She pokes him lightly on his good shoulder for the sake of retaliation but he only lays a kiss to her temple; it has her lips blooming in a smile.

Kate is under no illusions that Martha knows how they feel about each other, and …what other activities that might entail. But still, it's a little embarrassing to be caught by his mother.

"Don't worry, my mother will think nothing of it. Trust me, I've walked in on much worse where she's concerned." He shudders and she can't help but laugh, picturing a traumatized Castle as he walks in on his mother entertaining another man. "Hey don't laugh, it was horrible. I still have nightmares!" He insists but she looks up at him still smiling.

"Poor baby, however will you recover?" she asks sarcastically.

"Can't. Traumatized for life. But I like it when you call me baby," he says and his brow waggles suggestively.

"You're impossible," she scoffs but it's halfhearted. God, he makes her so... mushy. She's never been like this with anyone. It should be throwing her off guard, should be ringing alarm bells indicating that it's time for her to run, but it's not and she has no desire to go anywhere.

"Speaking of nightmares though, how are you feeling this morning?" he asks, his hand running lazy circles against the exposed skin of her arm.

She thinks back to her night terror, the reason why she came here in the first place, and as bad as it had been last night, it feels like a dull memory now, nearly gone and nowhere near as horrifying. She knows he's here, that he's safe and alive.

"Really good actually," she tells him and reaches over to link their hands together, squeezing tight and lacing their fingers together. "Thank you for being here last night."

"Always, Kate."

Part of her wants to be mad. Mad that he's used the words before but that they seemed so empty for the past five months. She catches herself though. She knows he would have been here, had she reached out sooner. It was a misunderstanding, on both ends of the spectrum. He thought she didn't want him, and she thought the same, when really, they both couldn't have been further from the truth. It still hurts, but she needs to move past it, needs to focus on now.

She believes him, believes that he means it, that he always meant it and that the past was just a mistake: an ugly and heartbreaking mistake, yes, but he never meant to leave, never would have had he known she wanted him back just as fiercely. She also knows that their story is far from over, that they still have time for their always.

She reaches up and holds her hand to his neck as her lips meet his. He's open, giving, and she gives right back, so happy to focus on now. She deepens the kiss, wanting him to know that she still believes in their always, still believes in them. It sets her skin aflame, her every nerve ending hyper sensitized as their lips and other parts of their bodies meet. She wants him, _oh_ how she wants him, but she's suddenly reminded of last night and his shoulder and how he probably hasn't rested well at all sleeping on this couch, despite his earlier assurance.

She slows their kiss, keeping him close with her arms around his head, and she makes sure they don't cross any lines neither of them can hold back from. She nips and pecks at his lips until both of them are short of breath and panting.

Kate lets her forehead rest against his as they both catch their breaths, remaining close.

"Did you manage to get some writing done last night?" she asks, her curiosity getting the best of her. Although it's a bit more than curiosity, actually means much more to her, and to him, that he be able to write and find the words to tell stories again.

"I did, yeah," he tells her, his voice sounds almost sated and she nearly laughs, can't wait to hear what his post-coital state might sound like.

She pulls back slightly to look him in the eyes and gives him a slight glare. "You better not be saying this just because I had a panic attack and ran when you said you hadn't written."

She wants reassurances, of course, but she wants the truth more, wants his honesty. She wants him to be able to trust her and to know that he can talk to her, come to her with the truth, no matter how brutal or how much he thinks it may hurt her. If they're going to make this work, to have a real shot, they need to be honest with each other.

"It's true, Kate. It took some time getting back into the groove, re-familiarizing myself with the flow of inspiration and keeping a steady pace with the keys. But I got a major outline going, established big plot points that I want to develop further and I wrote down a couple of pages." He pauses, gauges her reaction and when she doesn't speak he continues.

"I know it doesn't sound like that much, but I promise you it is, and it's more than I've had for months. Trust me, it felt nothing like the block I've been experiencing, I was making progress and-"

"It's okay," she interrupts to reassure him when she understands that he's just rambling now, trying to persuade and convince her that this is good. She is by no means an expert of the writing process but she understands that this is big, that it's good progress for a writer. "I'm really glad, Rick." She tells him with a smile and she feels the tension deflate from his body at her words.

"Hey, look at that," he says jovially. "You used my first name and you aren't even mad at me!"

She laughs, not expecting that response at all. She doesn't really plan when she uses his first name to address him, it just kind of happens. She does feel bad that he's associated it to something negative, though.

"Does it bother you?" she asks and he looks at her quizzically, silently asking what she means. "That I don't use your first name very often… That it, often comes out in the heat of the moment when I'm angry or frustrated?"

He shrugs with his one shoulder. "Not really. It's just something I noticed. No one else outside of the precinct really calls me 'Castle', but it feels different when you say it. Just rolls off your tongue perfectly."

"Okay, now this is just fantasy," she laughs at him and his wild imagination. "We weren't talking about tongues at all."

"Hey now, it's _your_ mind that went straight to the gutter, not mine. I assure you, my intentions were pure!" He assures her and she scoffs. There's no way he wasn't thinking of anything dirty: not with his name, her mouth and tongue all involved in the same thought. "But now that you mention it, I'm secretly hoping you might use 'Rick' in a very different 'heat-of-the-moment' situation."

He winks and she gives him the classic eye roll, the one he used to get very often at the precinct. Kate gently slides off of the couch and disentangles her body from his.

"No," he drags out the last syllable in a whine and she can't help but laugh once more at his childish antiques. "Beckett why are you getting up? I was so cozy."

Kate drags him up off the sofa by his good arm and helps him pull himself up to his feet. "We need to check those bandages on your shoulder," she tells him.

"Oh, are you going to be my-"

"Don't say slutty nurse," she cuts him off.

"Damn, you know me well," he says as if he's shocked. She rolls her eyes again but laughs in spite of herself.

"You sound surprised, Castle. Did you think you were the only one taking notes for four years?" She asks and looks back at him arching an eyebrow as she continues to make her way through his study, pulling him with her through the help of their laced hands.

"My apologies, detective. I should give you more credit." He winks but then his look turns somber as they enter the adjoining room. "Didn't think the first time you'd lead me to my bedroom would be to change gunshot bandages."

Shit. She hadn't thought of that. Maybe they should have gone to the upstairs bathroom. But no, it doesn't matter, really. He's treating it as if it's a last, not a first; she plans on being back here and dragging him to this room quite often, if she may be so presumptuous.

Soon. He needs to know that. She takes a page from his book for once and attempts to turn a heavy subject on its head using levity.

"Oh believe me, Castle, you'll know when I'm taking you to your bedroom to have my way with you."

"Is that so?" He asks his eyes shining bright with equal laughter and surprise.

"Yep," she lets the 'p' pop when she finishes the single syllable word and she looks back at him with a devious look in her eyes.

His gaze is hot on her and she knows the effect she has on him but she can't quite bring herself to be sorry about it. They've both been anticipating this for a long time and he can't begrudge her of her coping mechanisms.

"You're one hell of a tease, you know that, Detective Beckett?" The way he looks at her with completely unabashed want almost has her faltering. Almost.

She turns and makes a 180 towards him, comes up close so that her nose is but a mere half inch from his. She hears him gulp and it gives her the courage she needs. Arching a single brow, she lets the tip of her nose graze his, and the air leaving his mouth puffs against her lips.

"It's not teasing if I have every intention of following through."

* * *

 ** _A/N: I am loving the enthusiasm for this story! If any of you enjoy M-rated fics, you should go check out all the authors who participated in this week-ends CastlePornado, it was pretty amazing. I published two M-rated stories as contribution, so feel free to check those out and let me know what you think! -Zoe_**

 _Twitter: zoekeller_  
 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	16. Chapter 16

She leads him past his bed and smiles at the effect she has on him, her last words turning his eyes the color of midnight, burning with a deep hunger she can't wait to act upon. She knows she's driving him crazy, truth be told this isn't easy for her either and she often finds that she's driving herself crazy with all the teasing, but she loves him, loves the burn and the ever present yearning. And it's even more intense now that they can begin acting on it. The promise of _soon_ lingers and it only builds on the sweet, sweet torture. This is anticipation at its finest, because they know it won't be too long before they can give in to the mutual desire.

So for now, she leads him through his bedroom, past his bed and into his en-suite bathroom and motions for him to sit on a tall stool, higher than the toilet but lower than the counter. Once he sits, he's at eye level with her, his shoulder just at the right height for her to gently peel off the bandages without hurting him.

Only he needs to take off his shirt. Shit, she hadn't thought of that and the realization has her heart leaping, her insides clenching. She knows this isn't sexual, but seeing his body, his flesh exposed and knowing that her fingers are about to be coming into contact with his bare skin is a little more than she anticipated after having teased him with the promise of _more_.

He looks at her almost in challenge, almost as if he knows that it's now him who's affecting her, the exposure of his body a little too much. Maybe it's the long swallow she takes, the work of her throat or the look in her eyes that gives her away but she has a feeling he knows he's not alone in the torture now.

Castle doesn't break eye contact as he begins unbuttoning his shirt, slowly sliding the disks from the holes and he takes his sweet time, never looking away. Her breathing feels labored and she feels the intensity building inside of her. God she wants this. What the hell was she thinking only a minute ago? This teasing is torture but it's anything but sweet.

Yeah, no. This might be bordering on too much: too much to resist. His shirt falls open and she gets a glimpse of skin. It sends shivers down her spine and he hasn't even touched her - _isn't_ even going to touch her because that is _not_ what they are here for.

She mentally shakes herself. _Get it together, Kate._

He breaks eye contact then, begins trying to shake or shrug off the sleeve from his good arm but she sees him struggling, the material pulling tight against his right shoulder and he grunts under his breath in frustration.

She reaches out on instinct, wants to help reduce the pain as much as she can, her hands stopping his from doing anything further. He looks back up at her, as if surprised by her participation. She wants him, wants his body united with hers, but most of all she wants him pain free, safe, happy and healthy. So she puts her desire on hold and focuses on helping him.

She feels him relax under her ministrations, his body becoming pliable under the direction of her hands. Gently, she eases the material off of his good shoulder, careful not to pull tight so as to jostle his injury. She feels his gaze on her as she cautiously slips his arm from the sleeve of the dress shirt. Focusing on her task makes it easier to ignore the yearning biting deep in her lower abdomen, easier to ignore the fact that she's actually _undressing_ him, revealing skin her own body craves to touch, taste or kiss.

She doesn't have time to linger over such thoughts, can't afford to if she's going to do this as quickly as she can without him getting hurt. So she leans forward, aware that he's most probably getting a peek down the front of her own shirt, but she needs to slide the sling over his head and bring the shirt around his back so that she can slip it off his injured arm painlessly. She pulls back slightly and notices that his eyes are closed.

"You'll have to hold your head a bit to the side and make sure you're keeping your arm in place. I'm going to loosen the strap of the sling to help bring it over your shoulder." Her voice is barely a whisper but he seems to hear her loud and clear, not hesitating to follow her instructions. He bows his head to the side and she loosens the strap, slightly lifts to slide it past his head and the worst is done. The sling now off, she removes the cuff holding the shirt together at his wrist and lets her hand squeeze his for a brief moment. He looks up at her then, his eyes bright, his smile almost shy and he squeezes her hand back.

Leaning forward again, she makes sure the shirt slides from his arm without too much contact. She reveals the bandages at his shoulder and her insides clench, the horror that he was shot, that this is why they are even in this predicament, rushes back to her. Swallowing hard passed the lump clogging her throat, Kate manages to take the rest of the shirt off, leaving him bare from the waist up, save from the white cloth covering his right shoulder.

"You okay?" she asks tentatively, hoping she succeeded in saving him pain.

"Never better, actually. The woman of my dreams is slowly taking off my shirt in my own bathroom," he jokes, his eye brows waggling suggestively.

She rolls her eyes - she's been doing a lot of that this morning - but can't help the laugh that tumbles from her lips. Of course he's joking about this.

"I'm going to try to take these off, okay? Tell me if anything hurts."

Gently, she begins peeling back the white cloth from his skin. She's glad to see his stitches haven't torn, no blood marring the pale tissue. She'd torn hers more than a couple of times during her recovery, pushing too hard out of frustration, the feeling of being an invalid following her around day after day. Kate doesn't want that for him; he shouldn't feel helpless or confined. She hopes she can avoid making him feel that way. He needs to recover properly, start physio next week, slowly but surely, make sure his arm regains its normal range of motion.

She's focused now, thinking of nothing else than not wanting to hurt him as she takes off the bandages. He winces slightly when Kate gets closer to the skin.

She looks up, silently asking if he's okay.

"It's fine, keep going," he says and squeezes the back of her lower thigh with his good hand in reassurance. Only it does more than reassure and she has to resist the sudden desire to sink onto his lap and relieve the pressure building at her core.

 _God_ , she went over this barely five minutes ago. She can't remember a time when she needed someone this badly.

But he hasn't let go of her thigh. He's caressing and drawing patterns absentmindedly with the tips of his fingers, sending waves of electricity up to her midsection. She doesn't think he's realized what he's doing to her. It's nothing but a simple touch, not even meant to arouse but right at this moment it's driving her insane and her thighs are on fire. She squeezes her eyes shut when his fingers lazily travel to the back of her knee and she nearly buckles.

"Castle," she gasps and the path of his fingers stop immediately at the sound of her voice, breathless and nothing short of wanton. She clears her throat, tries to tamper down her arousal but the lack of release and the amount of buildup is making that a very difficult feat. "You need to stop."

"Sorry," he says quickly, pulling his fingers away from the back of her legs and letting them fall back to his lap.

She takes a few deep breaths before returning to her task, mindful of the skin she reveals. Castle seems to be debating whether or not to saying something while she takes off the last of the bandages and she waits him out.

"You know," he finally says, "even though I can't... right now, it doesn't mean you can't. I mean, I could help..." He trails off and - no. He cannot say things like that to her.

"Castle, if you can't, I can't. Under different circumstances, maybe, but not..." She struggles to find the words to explain that despite her current desperate need for him, she wants to experience all of him, _with_ him. She doesn't want him to have to hold back, doesn't want him in pain, doesn't want to leave him wanting. No. She can wait. He waited four years, damn it, she can reel in her desire for a few weeks. He looks up at her questioningly, and she realizes she didn't finish her thought. Her gaze locks with his.

"Just not for our first time? I just- want it to be together, fully..."

The way he looks at her then, it shakes her and yet reinforces her belief in what she's just told him. What they have, the love he gives her and the way she feels about him, should be something they both get to experience together, as equals. She wants to give him this, wants to give back as much as she's received from him.

"Okay," he tells her, a gentle smile on his lips that reaches his eyes. She smiles at him in kind, hoping her eyes tell him as much as his tell her, conveys the happiness she finds in being here with him.

Kate turns back to her original task, giving his wounded shoulder the entirety of her attention. She makes sure the wound isn't infected and proceeds as the doctors had instructed him for the rest of his treatment and home recovery. Once she's satisfied everything is clean and that there is no risk of infection she begins dressing the wound again, making sure the bandage is secure enough that it won't slip off but not too tight so as to cut off blood flow or feel uncomfortable.

"Okay?" she asks him, just to make sure.

"Feels almost good as new," he tells her, so serious she might believe him if she didn't know exactly what a gunshot wound felt like. She narrows her eyes at him jokingly, letting him know she isn't buying it.

"Dad?" she hears Alexis ask from just outside his bedroom door. Kate realizes Alexis is probably worried and came to check up on him, first thing after waking up. Good kid.

"In here, pumpkin," Castle calls out to her and Alexis' footsteps grow nearer as she makes her way through the room.

"Kate," she says, surprised, stopping in her tracks. "Hi."

She can't say she blames her. Kate came over in the middle of the night and the girl had absolutely no idea. No wonder she's thrown off guard.

"Hey Alexis," she greets, hopes it sounds friendly and open. She's not sure if she wants to tell the girl about the nightmare that brought her here, but she doesn't want to lie either.

As if reading her mind, Castle fills his daughter in before she can. "Kate came over to help me with changing my bandage. She's kind of an expert."

Kate shakes her head at him.

"Right," Alexis doesn't push any further but Kate can see that she doesn't fully believe this story. The girl wouldn't make a bad detective.

Before Alexis can get suspicious, Kate decides to change the subject.

"I was thinking I could make brunch for everyone?" She ends it in a question, wondering if they'd be open to it.

"Oh, yes!" Castle practically moans after his exclamation of approval. "With the eggs, pancakes and bacon and everything?" He asks almost like a kid at Christmas and her heart lightens at the sight.

"Mhm, I'll even add some French toast in there if you want."

"You know the way to a man's heart," he tells her and she knows it's a joke, a simple saying, but the butterflies in her stomach flutter. She wants nothing more than to make him happy.

She looks back at Alexis and the girl is grinning, looking between Kate and her Dad. Castle does the same and she can't help returning the gesture: it's infectious.

If suggesting brunch will ensure the smile on both their faces, she'll gladly cook it every single day.

* * *

 _A/N: A little fluff chapter! Thanks so much for your continuous support, it means the world to me! - Zoe_

_Twitter: zoekeller_  
 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	17. Chapter 17

Alexis saunters out of the bathroom, saying she'll set up the table and prepare all the ingredients for Kate to start on brunch. Before Kate can follow, Castle stops her with his hand reaching out to cup her shoulder.

"Are you sure this is okay? Do you have to go back to work?" He's sweet, worries about her and it does the oddest thing to her stomach. With anyone else she might consider this coddling, might even be annoyed by it, but not with him.

"I'm sure, Castle," she tells him as she laces her fingers with those of his good hand and tugs him up from the high stool he'd been perched on, following Alexis out of the bathroom. "I have the rest of the day off and there's nowhere else I'd rather spend it."

He reel's her back in with a gentle pull and kisses her soundly, his lips reverent and she can feel the gratitude on his tongue, the love in the warm hand that cups her cheek. She pulls back when they are both a little breathless.

"Thank you," he says against her lips and it nearly undoes her. She's the one who doesn't deserve him, not the other way around.

"Nothing to thank me for, Castle," she assures him, laying one last kiss to his lips before pulling him once more in the direction of the kitchen.

"How are you feeling, Dad?" Alexis asks once he sits on one of the stools by the high counter.

"Not too bad. I might take some painkillers after breakfast."

"You should take them before eating," Alexis tells him, placing the capped bottle of prescription pills and a glass of water in front of him. "It helps them take effect faster."

Kate is busy preparing for the omelets she's about to make but she listens to their conversation and sees Castle smiling at his daughter's attention, her care. _He's in good hands,_ she thinks.

"Thanks, pumpkin," he says and accepts her offering, swallowing down the pills she gives him in one gulp. "I'll make some coffee," he announces as he rises from the stool.

Kate starts on the omelet, glad she remembers a lot about where everything is from the time she'd spent here after the bomb that blew up her apartment. She also sets up the bacon in another pan alongside the eggs and sighs contently as the smell of Castle's coffee reaches her nose.

He presses a quick kiss to her cheek as he deposits her cup beside the stove. She feels Alexis' eyes on them and suddenly gets a little shy. Kate doesn't want her to think she's using him in any way. She knows they've had a conversation before where Alexis seemed to be open to forgiveness, apologizing for the way she'd talked to her when Castle was first brought into holding. But Kate still feels she has some making up to do, she has to show her –show _them_ \- that she's serious about this, more serious than she's ever been before, more so than with anyone else.

It's one thing for Alexis to forgive her for past mistakes, but quite another for her to approve of a relationship with her Dad.

She feels Castle settle behind her, watching her cook over her shoulder, his hand spanning her waist. Her mind and body are at war, the former telling her they shouldn't be so close, so intimate in front of Alexis yet, but her cheeks are burning up from his touch, her skin tingling as it yearns to maintain the contact, burns for more.

She thinks a compromise could work, and she doesn't want to give him the wrong idea, doesn't want him to think she's running or shying away from him, she's just unsure how his daughter will react to the news of _them_ , together as more than just friends or partners. It seems a little soon to assume Alexis would have regained her trust in her.

She settles for giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and asking if he could cut some onions for the omelet.

He grins and it's almost as if he can read her every thought. More than anything, he seems amused by her sudden need to be subtle. She's just glad he isn't upset, honestly. She can explain this to him later, when it'll be just the two of them.

"Is the chef giving away her trade secrets?" He asks as he begins chopping the onion she'd asked for.

"Don't jump the gun, Castle. You're still missing some key ingredients," she counters with a smile beginning to pull at the corner of her lips. There was a time when she would have refused to admit this under any circumstances but she's always loved their dynamic, their banter.

"Guess we'll just have to keep you around, then," he muses and she can hear the smile in his voice, can see the suggestive arch in his brow even though she's looking solely at the omelet she's currently cooking. She can't help the grin that makes it passed her lips. She knows even this might be too much for Alexis, the way he's suggesting she stay around to cook, as if she'll be a permanent fixture at the loft from now on. Even Kate can see how that could be a little fast for his daughter and even though she wants this more than she's ever wanted it with anyone, she respects Alexis and she decides she'll go talk with her after breakfast, make sure she's okay with this. And if she isn't, then she'll talk to Castle and they'll have to try to be more careful around his daughter, ease her into it.

For now, though, she'll make the effort to make sure Alexis doesn't feel like an outsider when she's here.

"How was graduation, Alexis?"

The teen immediately pipes up at the question and she catches Castle's smile from the corner of her eye, though she stays focused on his daughter as she recounts the tale of one of best nights of her life, her speech and the party that followed the ceremony.

They continue talking and catching up over breakfast, Castle reminding Alexis that the "best night of her life" was followed by a massive hangover. Kate can't help but come to the girl's defense.

"Oh please, Castle. A massive hangover? You stole a police horse naked. Cut her some slack," she says and looks over at Alexis who looks quite pleased by Kate's intervention.

"This-" he says, pointing between the two of them, "is _so_ not fair. You can't gang up on me like that!"

Kate shrugs and Alexis laughs.

"Something smells absolutely wonderful!" They all turn towards the stairs to see Martha coming down to join them.

"Nice to see you're finally up, Mother."

"Care to join us for brunch, Martha?" Kate asks.

"Well, I'll have my morning brew and then it'd be a pleasure to join you, my dears," Martha answers while heading straight for the fancy coffee machine.

"Kate made some of everything, Gram. Even that French toast you love," Alexis looks at her and grins. Kate can't help the elation that fills her. She hadn't realized her mother's recipe for what is usually Sunday Brunch had left such an impression with them.

"Darling, this looks absolutely delectable. Did you make this all yourself?" his mother asks as she takes a seat at across from Castle at the table.

"Castle and Alexis helped."

"Barely," Castle cuts in. "This was all you," he says with a smile and her cheeks get a little warm.

They all continue eating, making small talk here and there, Castle gagging at the tale his mother tells of her previous nights' adventure. They laugh and it's just so domestic, so real, so unlike everything she's ever had and she finds it's everything she wants. It confirms that she not only wants him, but the whole package, she wants everything he has to give, everything that comes with having him.

When they are finished, Kate begins picking up the plates and bringing them over to sink to wash off the syrup that sticks to the ceramic. Martha does the same and follows her to the kitchen.

"I want to properly thank you," she tells Kate in a voice that's barely above a whisper and she has a feeling this is about more than breakfast. But she didn't do anything, couldn't even keep him from getting shot, couldn't protect him. She doesn't deserve Martha's thanks.

"No, Martha-"

"For this," she says titling her head towards Rick and Alexis chatting excitedly at the dining table.

"What?" She doesn't understand. They've always been like this, always had a close, open and trusting father-daughter relationship. How does that have anything to do with her?

"I haven't seen my son like this in months. And I have a feeling you're the reason he's back to his usual self."

Kate feels her throat close up. She looks down at her hands washing the dishes in the sink. She might have helped to bring him back but she's the one who hurt him in the first place. She's the reason he wasn't himself. If she took that away from Alexis, took away her Dad-

"Relax, darling. You can't take the blame for all that's happened. I'm just glad it's a thing of the past and we can all move forward," she tells Kate with a smile.

She's right. She can't change what's already been done, the pain she's inflicted, but she can begin making up for it. If Martha thinks her being here has been good for Castle and Alexis, then she's glad. She'll still talk to his daughter to make sure everything is okay with her.

They all begin cleaning up and with the help of four people, by the time they know it, the kitchen is spotless. Martha suggests she and Alexis go shopping for some of the things she's still missing for her dorm at Columbia. Kate finds out that Alexis had come back to sleep at the loft during the time Rick was being investigated, but she normally stays on campus. Of course, with the news that Castle was shot, she had been planning on staying at the loft for a few days, maybe weeks if her Dad needed her around but she hears Martha tell her granddaughter that it may not be necessary after glancing at Kate.

Alexis doesn't look wholly convinced but there's still time to mull that over. Does she even have time to take care of her Dad? Does Kate? She goes back to work tomorrow.

She needs to talk to Castle about all of this.

She'll have to talk to Alexis a bit later. The front door closes behind Alexis and Martha and Kate turns back only to find Castle staring down his office. She has no idea what he's thinking about but it seems to have him conflicted, anxious even. Maybe the book?

Kate walks up behind him and wraps her arms around his waist, tangling her fingers at his stomach. She leans her head on his upper back, the height difference more noticeable without her heels.

"You okay?"

He turns in her arms and his eyes look troubled. How did he get so sad so fast? He's been smiling with them for the last hour, his real smile, not the one he flashes for page six. She waits him out, figures he'll explain.

"I have to show you something, Kate." The way he says it sends a bad feeling creeping up her spine. Whatever he has to show her, he doesn't think she'll like it.

"Okay?" It ends like a question, the caution in her voice evident.

"I, um... I should have told you about this sooner. I thought of it last night but it just- I didn't want to add more to your shoulders."

She doesn't say anything, follows him when he takes her hand in his and leads her to the office. She hates the way he's looking at her, like he's about to lose her, to ruin everything. This morning had been so perfect. Why does she have a feeling it's about to head south?

With the click of a button that brings the smart board to life, she feels her world being flipped upside down. What the hell is this? How- What has he done? He must read the horror she has no doubt is written all over the lines of her face, etched into every feature as the feeling of betrayal seeps into her bones. Shit, she doesn't know if she can handle this.

"Please, just give me a chance to explain."

* * *

 _A/N: Honestly, all your comments have kept me going and I appreciate every single one of your words! Thank you so much for your support! In other news, this weekend has been absolutely amazing. I met Nathan and pretty much died (wrote more about that on twitter if you're interested)! Happy Monday to all of you! - Zoe_

 _Twitter: zoekeller_  
 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	18. Chapter 18

"Please, just give me a chance to explain."

Oh god. Kate feels a little lightheaded as blood rushes in her ears, her pulse vibrating through her system at the shock of seeing it. His smart board, now turned murder board, displaying the images and information she knows like the back of her hand. The images that have haunted her for over a decade. Her mother's murder.

He must see the panic on her face because he moves toward her. She flinches when he touches her arm, her gaze turning accusatory. His hand turns to a fist as he takes it back to his side. He can't touch her. She can't- how could he...

Kate closes her eyes, the overwhelming sensation making her dizzy, her head spinning as she tries to rationalize this, tries to understand what the hell is going on.

He's waiting on her, knows he's rattled her, just about shocked her to her core, and in an attempt not to mess this up any further he refrains from doing anything.

She takes in a breath and it's shaky. She needs to let him explain, because there has to be a reason, has to be an explanation for him asking her to drop her mom's case while he investigates it, even after months apart.

The thought has her opening her eyes to look at him. They spent five months apart and she's under no illusions that she was miserable without him; she remembers the void, the empty feeling, clear as day. All of it because he hadn't explained and they both made assumptions- horribly _wrong_ assumptions.

She's not leaving without an explanation this time.

"What is this, Castle?" Her voice is low, but she knows he hears the urgency, the desperation for his explanation to make it all okay.

"After Montgomery's funeral, I received files concerning your mom's murder." And he tells her everything. Tells her about Smith, about the deal keeping her safe, about how the only way for the deal to work was for him to keep the arrangement from her.

At some point her hands go numb, the air around her becomes thicker, more difficult to breathe into her lungs.

Montgomery's funeral. That's nearly two years ago. Two years is enough for trails to go cold, for evidence to conveniently disappear. And he kept it all from her, the most important case of her life, the one she's let define her.

"How could you do this?" she whispers, her eyes closed, and she can't control the pained quality of her voice, how broken she sounds.

"Because I love you. I've always loved you. It was the only thing I could do to protect you, Kate."

"By putting yourself in the crosshairs?" She asks, incredulously, yelling now. God, how can he not see how ridiculous this is, how dangerous it was for him to get involved in this way?

"What?" he doesn't understand, it's written all over his face and that only fuels her anger.

"You had no back up. They could have killed you, Rick! They want me dead and the only thing standing in between them and me was you and that file," she seethes. She's breathing hard and she can see that she's taken him off guard, that he wasn't expecting this response. What the hell did he think she'd say? "This has always been my fight, Castle. _Mine_. You were never supposed to be so deeply involved- to be in so much danger."

He comes a little closer to her and she glares at him in warning. "All I cared about was keeping you safe," he says softly.

There's a pregnant pause between them. She gets the feeling he doesn't know what else to say, how to make this better, how to get back to where they were fifteen minutes ago.

"You know what this case has done to me... And you kept it from me, even after you left."

"I left because I thought you didn't love me, not because I didn't love you or care about keeping you safe."

She can't- she knows she made a promise to both of them that she wouldn't run but this... This is different. She needs space, needs to think. She has to go, can't stay here with him, not when he looks at her like this, his eyes pleading for her to understand.

Her vision becomes blurry as tears threaten to fall to her cheeks, and when her chin quivers she turns on her heels. She can't stay here right now.

"I have to go," she murmurs past the lump in her throat.

"Kate..."

She doesn't stop, heads towards the door and doesn't look back at him because if she does she thinks he might convince her to stay. She needs to think, needs to get away to sort through her thoughts.

Kate doesn't even take the time to put on her shoes, she just grabs them from the floor in the front closet, makes sure she has her keys and slips out of the door. She knows he followed her out of the office but he didn't chase her once she was out of the loft. She takes the stairs and only puts her shoes on in the lobby.

* * *

She wants to say she doesn't know why she ended up here but the truth is, she does. The engraved stone would never offer the comfort her mother could, but Kate has found that being here is as close as she ever gets. She sits on the grass, not caring about possible green stains, her back to the stone and her knees pulled up against her chest.

The tears stream down her cheeks and she doesn't try to stop them, doesn't try to hide the shakiness of her breath as she breathes in and out.

"I'm so mad at him, mom," she says it aloud, addressing her mom but talking to no one in particular. "I just… I don't know how to forgive him for this."

She's silent for a few minutes, lets everything just be.

"You would have loved him," she whispers. She's aware that to anyone else, she might look a bit crazy, sitting here by herself and talking up to the sky but she pays it no mind. Her mom may not be here to listen to a word she says, but it feels so liberating to set them free.

"He's so... goofy," she grins slightly when that's the first word that comes into her mind to describe him. "He's sweet and smart. Sometimes he's kind of a jackass." She closes her eyes thinking about it. "You should have seen him in the beginning. _God_ , he was insufferable. Got on my every nerve. I'm sure I would've told you about how horrible he was for hours." Kate sighs and though her breathing is beginning to steady, her chest still hiccups slightly.

"I never thought I'd end up here, never thought I'd love him so much," her voice is slightly muffled as she rests her head on her shoulder and speaks the words into the skin of her inner arm. "I'm sure you would have known; you would have called it from a mile away. You also probably wouldn't have let me wait five months before mending fences with him."

Kate pauses, inhales deeply through her nose and closes her eyes. "I miss you so much." She carries the absence of her mother with her every day but sometimes she feels it so acutely the wound still feels fresh, as though she lost her yesterday.

She thinks about, Castle. He was reckless, stupid even. He was endangering himself and his family all because he knew she wouldn't walk away from the case.

But... the truth is, she knows it's probably true. Had he told her about the file, she'd probably have grabbed it and run. She knows what this case turns her into, and she had felt so much anger, so much need for justice after she'd been shot.

He's right. She would have dove in head first, barely recovered, definitely not apt for any kind of fight to take down the man they refer to as the dragon.

She would have gotten herself killed.

But was it his decision to make?

It wasn't.

The only thing is, she knows that had she been in his shoes she'd have done the same to protect him. She'd have investigated because this _mattered_ , getting justice matters especially when it's for the person you love, but keeping him safe would have been her top priority.

Is it fair of her to fault him for doing the same?

She groans and lets her head fall to her knees. God, why is this such a mess?

It feels like a betrayal, like he's opened her healed wounds and twisted in the knife. But she also knows he made the rational choice, the same choice she would have made. She'd have protected him even if it meant she might be jeopardizing their relationship.

Kate wipes the tears from her cheeks and leans back against the tombstone. Blaming him for something she knows she'd have done is hypocritical. She can't do that.

She's also yet to consider the reality of her choice to walk out on him and what it entails.

Can she live without him? Can she go back to what the past five months have felt like? She was miserable and she knows it; she's known all along that his absence was the root cause. She doesn't want to go back there. The past few days with him have been... so full of light. She's smiled more than she has in the past year. She's felt happier and more whole than she can remember being since her mother was murdered. And it's him. It's all because of him.

She promised she wouldn't run and she meant it. She still means it. Time to think and to reason things through on her own were necessary and she'll always be entitled to that, but at the end of the day, she wants to return to him; wants his arms around her and the comfort of his words.

What he did isn't okay, but she understands it. And now that she knows, she wants to approach it as a team, with him. She'd rather he wouldn't get involved, would rather keep him safe, but he's already in too deep and she knows he'll never let her go at this alone. They are partners and it's about damn time they start acting like it again.

Kate pushes up from the ground, the world no longer spinning as though it's about to crumble at her feet and her breathing has stabilized.

Looking back at the stone, Kate crouches down and bends her knees so that she's nearly at eye level with the engraving. She lays her hand over it, the marble not nearly the same level of comfort as her mother's arms ever offered, but it'll do.

"Thanks, Mom."

She's choosing happiness this time, over her never ending quest for justice. Kate knows it's what her mom would want above all things.

She would have wanted her to be happy.

She turns away, equally satisfied and determined, her heart half as heavy as it was when she got here seeking her mother's comfort. She knows what she has to do.

Kate goes home, showers, lets the scent of her shampoo and body wash wrap around her in a cloud of freshness, cleansing her from her night terror and the pain of Castle's revelation. She emerges feeling almost new, brimming with nerves, hoping she's making the right decision, steering them in the right direction.

By the time it's half past five she leaves her apartment and she feels ready. She drops by Remy's and picks up their usual order, including their respective shakes.

Kate hails a cab and gives the driver the address to Castle's loft. She fidgets for the entire fifteen-minute ride there and the cabbie's sidelong glances towards her as she taps her foot do nothing to settle the nerves in her stomach. When they arrive she pays the driver and gives him an apologetic look.

Eduardo opens the door to the building for her and gives her an encouraging smile. It's nothing really, but it infuses her with courage. She can do this. It's been one afternoon; he hasn't moved on and he's most probably still willing to talk this through.

So she'll fight for them.

Kate rides the elevator up to his floor and takes in a deep breath when the doors ding open. She steps out and heads toward his door. She doesn't hesitate before she knocks three times, doesn't give herself time to change her mind.

It doesn't take very long before she hears the sound of shuffling feet from inside the loft.

The door swings open and there he is. His eyes go wide when he sees her, no doubt surprised by her return. Yeah, maybe she should have called or something, let him know she was on her way over.

"Kate?" it comes out tentative, almost shy, like he's wondering whether or not she's really here. There's a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, her eyes probably communicating that she isn't upset, isn't here as some sort of final goodbye.

"I thought, maybe we could have supper?" She holds up the bag from Remy's she knows looks familiar to him. He's silent as he looks down at the bag and then back at her and his face is so serious she momentarily fears he might turn her away. It only lasts a few seconds.

He surges forward and captures her lips with his, his good hand coming up to frame her face and Kate gasps but automatically pushes up into her toes and wraps her arms around his neck.

Oh, this feels like home.

* * *

 ** _A/N: You guys are all so wonderful! Just a warning that the next chapter will be M rated and T rating will return for the following chapters. I couldn't help myself ;)_**

 _Twitter: zkeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	19. Chapter 19

**Reminder that this chapter is M rated. Feel free to skip it if that isn't your cup of tea. T rating will be back in the next chapter!**

* * *

His lips move against hers and it's desperate, all consuming, a tangle of tongues and suction and she doesn't even care about air at the moment, only him.

She drops the bag from Remy's to the ground, not caring where it lands, and her arms twine around his neck pulling him in, closer, so much closer. His left arm travels around to her back, his fingers leaving a trail of fire in their wake as they come into contact with her bare skin. She whimpers into the heat of his mouth and he reflexively drags her body closer with his palm at her tailbone, her hips landing between his thigh and _oh yes,_ finally, it feels so right, so _good_.

He backs her up until the door hits her back and shuts it closed. She's surrounded by the smell of him, his gentle touch and it's intoxicating. She wants more, oh god, so much more.

Unable to stop herself, Kate circles her pelvis against the tight muscle of his thigh and stars explode behind her eyes as her nerves finally get some of the relief they've been craving. He groans against her mouth and holds her bottom lip captive between his teeth as he helps her along, keeping a rhythm with his hand at her lower back. Her fingers twine in his hair as his lips move lower, behind her ear, across the skin of her neck, a maddening alternation between licks and nips and kisses.

She's pretty damn far gone but she still has the presence of mind to remember why they were waiting, why they haven't crossed this line yet.

"Castle, your arm," she manages to say though her voice is breathy and she doesn't pull away from him in the slightest.

"Don't care," he mumbles against the sensitive spot where her neck and shoulder meet. "Need you Kate. Please."

Oh she's not about to stop him now.

"Castle," his name leaves her lips on a moan and it's apparently all the permission he needs. He pulls his hand back from under her shirt at her back and begins working on the buttons at the front. His fingers move deftly and pretty quickly considering he only has one hand and even through the cloud of her mind, she's impressed by the speed at which he manages to get her shirt open.

His lips continue their exploration downward, eager to map the terrain of skin he's just uncovered.

He's slowly making his way across the plane of her chest and his ceaseless teasing is driving her mad.

A moan escapes her lips and she realizes she's being quite loud, that it isn't the first noise to leave her throat and it has her body going rigid. Castle must feel her muscles seize beneath his hands and lips and he stops immediately, though he doesn't pull away. His rapid breath warms her skin and he looks up at her in question.

"Your family," she whispers, suddenly self-conscious, worried that someone could have easily heard them or walked in to find her half clothed at any moment.

"They aren't here," he relaxes once he realizes that's what she's worried about, reassured that she isn't having second thoughts. He continues his journey downward until his lips reach the lace that covers her chest. The swipe of his tongue along both the seam of the material and her skin has her knees buckling. Her hips fall harder onto his thigh and his name rolls off her tongue on a moan and thank _god_ they're alone. She feels the muscle of his legs flexing beneath her, creating a rhythm against her nerves and _fuck_ , she's not sure she's going to survive this night.

Castle gently pulls down the material of her bra, uncovering her breasts and she shivers as the cool air hits her skin, followed by the warm puff of his breath. Her nipples crest in anticipation.

Wasting no time, his good hand spanning her waist and holding her close, he runs his tongue over the peak of her breast and sucks it into his mouth. She doesn't even recognize the sounds that leave her lips; she doesn't think she's ever been so wound up, so desperately hungry for someone else's touch.

Her hands tangle in his hair, holding him to her, clenching when his teeth graze the sensitive skin, and her head rolls back against the door as he laves his tongue over her in soothing motions. The attention he pays to her body shoots straight to her core, sending spasms to her abdomen, her nerve endings on fire, begging for pressure, for release, for _him_.

With one last flick of his tongue he migrates to her opposite breast and graces it with the same treatment. She grinds her hips into his thigh and _fuck, Castle, yes, yes right there._

She repeats the motion and his hand at her waist helps her along. He's hitting all the right spots, like he already knows her body inside out - or maybe it's her body that's simply over responsive to his - and it has the pressure inside of her building so fast, the coil of want tightening with every move of her hips, every flick of his tongue against her breast.

"Castle," she gasps out his name, she's so close, so damn close. He groans and the vibrations it sends across her flesh propels her over the edge, a bright light shining behind her eyes, muscles tight and clenching. Her body shudders as the wave travels the length of her limbs, up to her fingertips and toes, and she moans as she lets the wave overtake her.

Once she manages to catch her breath, Kate realizes she's holding onto him for dear life, one of her legs wrapped around his waist and her hands fisting both his hair and the material of his shirt.

Holy shit. She just had an orgasm - one of the best orgasms of her life - pressed up against his door.

Kate loosens her grip and smiles when she realizes he's still pressing gentle, soothing kisses along her collarbone and jaw.

That was… intense. And he didn't even take off her clothes, hasn't been inside her or touched her core skin-to-skin. She's never experienced anything like this. He only has one hand to touch her with because of his shoulder and it's more than she's ever known.

Slowly, as the daze of her orgasm begins to recede, Kate loosens her grasp on him. Shifting her hips, she feels him against her, feels how much he wants her.

Oh, it's his turn now.

Kate smiles and pulls his head up to hers, kissing him soundly, pouring all she has into it, her love, her desire, her desperation to show him everything she feels.

"Bedroom. Now," she mumbles against his lips and tangles their fingers together, pulling him towards the direction of his office. He follows without objection, his eyes comically wide as he takes in her smirk and realizes he's in for it.

They get to the bedroom and Kate stops when his calves hit the back of the bed, but stops him before he takes a seat on the mattress. Their first round was about her. She wants to make this one about him, to treasure his body the way he did hers, to love him with actions and words alike.

Her lips land on his neck and she kisses her way down as she begins unbuttoning his dress shirt. Carefully, Kate slips off the brace from his shoulder, slides it over his head and makes sure he isn't in any kind of pain. The look in his eyes is nothing but hungry, his pupils blown and the usually bright blue turns a deep shade of navy. His hand lifts to her face and he brushes an unruly strand of her hair from her face, placing it behind her ear, cradling her cheek in his palm. Kate turns her face towards the heat of his palm and lays a kiss below his thumb, never breaking eye contact with him. She sees him swallow hard and lifts her hands to continue unbuttoning his shirt, sliding the disks free at a painstakingly slow pace and kissing every inch of skin she reveals.

With her head so close to his chest, she can hear his heart pumping fast beneath his skin, knows what this is doing to him. It empowers her, makes her heart flutter that Castle trusts her with his body, with his heart. She wants him to know he's in good hands, wants to _show_ him he has good reason to trust her.

Kate reaches the waist line of his pants while unbuttoning his shirt and tugs, pulling it out until she can reach the very last fastened disk and slide the shirt past his shoulders, slowly and meticulously so as to not jostle his injured arm.

She drops the shirt on the floor, not caring where it lands and trails her fingers along his chest. He shivers beneath her touch and groans when her hands reach lower, cupping him through the material of his pants and rubbing the evidence of his arousal.

"Kate," he sighs and lets his head fall forward against her shoulder. She doesn't deter from her task, moving up to snap open the button of his pants and zipping them open. They drop to the floor when she lets them go and he's left in nothing but his boxers.

Castle slides her own shirt down her arms and unclasps her bra single handedly. Sparks ignite in her abdomen as he unfastened her pants, the back of his hand and his knuckles brushing against her lower belly causing the ever present yearning for him to roar to life.

She's down to her panties and he's only got his boxers left and Kate looks up at him, her eyes a little shy from the level of exposure because this isn't just anyone, it's _Castle_ , seeing her naked body for the first time. It sends a thrill through her to think that this may be her last first time.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs and she can't help the smile that makes it past her lips.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle."

She reaches up on her toes and brings his lips down to hers with her hands gripping at his neck and in his hair.

Kate pushes against him gently so that he falls backward onto the mattress. He travels up the length of the bed until his head hits the pillow and she follows him on all fours, like a predator seeking her prey. Oh how she wants to devour him, to taste every inch of his skin, but there'll be other times for slow explorations. Most probably tonight after this first roll in the sheets. But she can read the carnal need in his eyes, and the call of her body to have him is all consuming. God knows they've had enough foreplay.

She reaches for the hem of his boxers and he lifts his hips to help her pull them off. He's ready for her and the bulge in his pants wasn't enhancing anything that wasn't there.

Fuck, she needs him inside her. Now.

Kate shimmies out of her panties and straddles his hips, her core mere inches away from where he's hot and throbbing for her. Bending down, she can't help but kiss him again, their chests pressed tightly together, his hand travelling the length of her back from her tail bone to the nape of her neck. She gasps when Castle shifts his hips, sweet friction sending frissons of pleasure zipping through her.

Impatient, as she's sure he is as well, Kate lifts her upper body from his with one hand to his chest and the other grasps him, positioning him just right at the apex of her thighs. In one languid stroke she takes him in and _oh, yes, so good_. Castle groans and she gives herself a moment to adjust. It's been a while for her and this- oh this exceeds every fantasy she's ever had, blows every expectation out of the water.

She twists her hips once, twice and she can feel the pressure building inside of her again as he stretches her, his touch lighting her on fire. Shit, this is going to end way too soon and she wants to make it last; though it's unreasonable to ask for this moment to last forever, she wants to live in it for as long as she can.

Rotating her hips, establishing a slow, steady rhythm, Kate opens her eyes to look at him, look at them. She notices his eyes are squeezed shut in pleasure and no, that just won't do. She's spent way too many nights imagining those blue eyes beneath, above and inside her, his pupils blown as he succumbs to the hunger.

"Rick," she sighs. "Open your eyes."

He does, obeys her without question and yes, _yes_ she wants his eyes on her, on them, the entire time. Their gazes lock and it sends a shiver up her spine, causes goosebumps to erupt over her skin.

His hips move up to meet hers on their way back down and her back arches, body seizing from the overwhelming sensation. Castle bends his head and lays a kiss to the hand she rests on his chest for balance, licks at her wrist as she mewls, didn't even know that was a sensitive spot for her and _how_ does he know her body so well? He kisses and touches her the way a practiced lover would, though nothing has ever felt like this. She has no idea if it's four years of foreplay or just the fact that it's _him_ , but she knows she's ruined; she'll never need anything more than this.

She can't even begin to imagine what this will feel like once his shoulder has recovered and he has two hands with which to touch her.

The thought has her insides clenching and Castle calls out her name, his voice strained, like he's struggling to breathe.

She's glad that makes two of them, would hate to think that this is only so great for her.

Castle pushes up from the bed, the sudden change in angle taking her off guard and she gasps, whimpers as it has him driving deeper inside her. Thank god no one is home to hear them because she doesn't think she'd have the ability to sensor herself.

He cradles her to his body, slick with sweat, chest to chest, and makes sure to keep the rhythm they've established, pushing into her in sharp, deep thrusts that have her keening.

She laces her fingers through his hair and holds him close, his face nestled in the cove of her neck and she knows he's just as close as she is when he begins chanting her name, the whisper of "Kate, Kate, Kate," spurring her on.

Their position has her nerves sandwiching against his skin with every thrust, every push and pull of their bodies and she feels herself getting slightly light headed, struggling to breathe, her brain not getting enough air as the sensations hit her at once.

"Let go, Kate. I'm with you. Just let go." The words spoken against her skin have tremors running though her, his hot breath tickling against her neck and her ear and it pushes her over, abdomen clenching and muscles jolting, gripping him tight inside her as the orgasm hits her full force, unable to contain the moans that slip past her lips.

He groans and she feels his body grow stiff against her, his good hand holding her tightly to him and he bites at her neck as the onslaught of sensation takes over, spreading through him like liquid fire. It sends waves of pleasure and aftershocks through her, her body taking pleasure from witnessing his.

Still tangled together, Castle lets himself fall back gently onto the mattress, taking her with him, keeping her close.

She sighs, still trying to catch her breath while they lay there, sated and a little overwhelmed by the intensity of it all.

She should have known it would be like this between them.

She had no idea. Smiling, Kate hums, burrows her face into his chest and closes her eyes, succumbs to the peaceful call of sleep against him.

* * *

 **A/N: I'd love to know what you think and I also hope it was worth the wait! ;) - Zoe**

 _Twitter: zoekeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	20. Chapter 20

Kate wakes with the sunlight hitting her face, a bright yellow glow she can see even through closed eyelids. She shifts and takes note of the pleasant ache between her thighs and the events of last night drift back to her.

Castle. She and Castle slept together.

It was more than that though, just... so much more.

Their first round had been nothing short of explosive. An uncontainable force pulling them together, all slicked skin, tangled tongues, and entwined limbs.

Her body flushes with heat at the memory, blood humming through her veins when she recalls the way he'd worshipped her body, how she'd treasured his. It had been intense, crackling electricity in every touch. She smiles and turns in the sheets so that she can face him, see him lying next to her, observe him the way he's observed her for the past four years. It's her turn now.

Kate lifts a hand to his face, tracing the laugh lines near his eyes, the slope of his nose, the corner of his lips.

His eyes blink open and she sees it all, the love that's right there on display, an open book for her to read. It's the same way he looked at her after their first round.

* * *

 _She's just closed her eyes when she feels a gentle hand at her cheek, his thumb smoothing her skin in reverent patterns. Kate smiles and turns her head toward his hand to kiss his palm. Turning on her side, she mirrors his position and hooks her leg over his, her toes stroking his calf muscle._

 _They're both smiling and yet they remain silent, unsure what to say, how to even begin describing what they've just experienced._

 _Kate suddenly gets shy under the scrutiny of his unfaltering gaze - which she realizes is kind of ridiculous since he's staring into her eyes while she's stark naked- and she breaks eye contact, looking down. Castle laughs and the hilarity of it hits her too, elation filling her chest and a giggle tumbles free from her lips._

 _When she looks back up, he finally breaks the silence._

 _"Kate that was... Like nothing I've ever experienced. I swear, I- the way you just-" He sighs, cutting himself off but the smile never leaves his lips. "I can't even describe it. I can't think of a single word that's good enough."_

 _He seems to realize he's showing his full deck and backtracks a little when she says nothing. "I don't want to scare you, I mean, I just-"_

 _"Rick," she stops him before he takes back anything he says. She doesn't want him doubting this, them. She feels the same way he does. "It was just as amazing for me."_

 _Her smile is sure, hopes it conveys everything she feels. And then she remembers she doesn't have to just "hope", she can tell him._

 _"I love you," the confession has a weight lifting from her shoulders and she lets the feeling bleed into her smile, lets him see how happy he makes her._

 _He leans forward, captures her lips, and she invites him into her mouth, open and giving. She wants to give him everything she has. She sighs, her body already craving more of him; she doesn't think she'll ever get enough. The kiss is at once tender and hungry, desperate and languid and it fills her with such yearning, she can't even stop the moan that bubbles up from her chest. She wants him again. He pulls away before she can pull him on top of her, and she nearly whimpers at the loss._

 _"_ _I'm so sorry," he whispers, his eyes filled with sorrow and pain and for a second she panics, doesn't understand why he's apologizing just as she tells him she loves him, but he quickly corrects her train of thought. "For betraying your trust, for keeping you from the most important thing in your life-"_

 _"_ _It's not," she stops him before he can go any further because the order of things has to be set straight. "I'll always want justice for my mom, Castle. But I… These last few months without you have made me realize a lot of things." A pained looked crosses his features but she brushes across his creased brow with her thumb to soothe it. "Losing you helped me clear up my priorities and no matter how much I wanted to find my mother's killer I always found that I- well I wanted you more. I wanted you with me if it happened." Her eyes never leave his and she sees the shift in him as if a veil has been lifted, his awed and surprised expression leaving her a little breathless. No one has ever looked at her like that, like she hung the moon and stars._

 _"_ _I can't believe I couldn't see it before," he says and she can see he's still beating himself up over their lost time. "I left you and I didn't even let you explain, I just-"_

 _"_ _Hey," she interrupts him again but she doesn't think he minds as long as it's for assurances. "We have now." She pulls him in towards her with her hands at his cheeks and he follows willingly, his lips seeking, a reverence in the way he cherishes her lips she doesn't think she's ever felt and it has a current of want pulsing through her instantaneously. But there's one more thing._

 _"_ _But, Rick," she doesn't pull away too far. "I can't lose you again and not- especially not to this case. It's taken everyone from me. I can't let it take you too." The last part isn't spoken above a whisper, her voice growing a little hoarse as the emotions hit her at once. He put himself and his family in danger for her, to solve this case while attempting to leave her out of the crosshairs. "You can't put your life on the line for mine like that again."_

 _His thumbs brush her cheeks and she doesn't resist the urge to tilt her head towards the warmth of his palm, doesn't feel the need to hide the fact the she wants him any longer. He sighs and Kate can see he's struggling with how to phrase his answer, but she knows it'll be honest._

 _"_ _I can't promise you I won't do everything in my power to keep you safe." She wants to interrupt him again but he silences her with a finger to her lips. "But I won't keep things from you. You get to make your own decisions, Kate and I was wrong to take that away from you. Next time, we approach it together, as partners." His lips curve at the corners of his mouth at the last words and draws the smile from her lips as well._

 _It's not exactly what she would want, but she supposes she can't reasonably ask for more, not when she'd do the same for him._

 _"_ _Deal," she says and seals the promise with a kiss that turns heated in a matter of seconds, his hands wandering, spanning her waist, caressing every inch of skin he finds. She clings to him, feels the urgent need to keep him close, but then an altogether different kind of hunger makes itself known as her stomach growls. Castle pulls away, his brow quirking in question and they both laugh. The goofiness and the realization that they are still_ them _has her hoping they never change._

 _"Want to heat up the take out from Remy's you brought over?"_

 _"Yeah, I might be a little hungry," she laughs._

 _Castle takes her hand in his after untangling their bodies and helps to lift her from the bed. She grabs clothes from the ground but he doesn't let her go very far._

 _"Hey, Kate?" He tugs her back into his arm before she can venture any further._

 _She hums, looking up at him as she slips his dress shirt over her shoulders._

 _"I love you too."_

* * *

"How's your shoulder doing?" She asks when drifting back from her reverie.

He groans slightly and she winces. "Feels like I was shot."

Shit. She knew they should have waited. She never wanted him to be in pain, to cause more suffering in his recovery that he inevitably would.

"Castle, I'm so-"

He cuts her off with the seal of his mouth to hers, his good arm coming up to frame her face. "Don't apologize. Please. I wouldn't take back last night for anything in the world. I can live with having to take a couple extra pain killers."

He's looking at her like he's scared, afraid that she regrets it somehow.

She doesn't. Part of her just wishes she could bare the pain for him, spare him the recovery, though she knows it's impossible.

Kate lays a palm to his cheek and presses a gentle kiss against his lips, reverent and sweet. "I don't regret it, Rick. Not for a second."

"Good," he says, and she can read the relief, the love in his smile.

After a beat, she looks over his shoulder at the bedside clock and groans, letting her head fall against his chest. She needs to start getting ready for work.

"You have to go in, don't you?"

"Yeah. Gates gave me a half day, but I need to get ready and swing by my place to grab a change of clothes."

He hums and she can see he's a little disappointed that they won't get to lounge in bed for the entirety of the morning, cocooned in his sinfully soft Egyptian cotton sheets. She can't deny how well she slept, how cozy she was, though she can't tell whether it had to do with the sheets or his presence next to her, the soothing cadence of his heart beneath her ear. She'd most probably bet on the latter having the most influence.

"I could cook you breakfast?" he suggests, shifting his weight, readying himself to move out from under the warmth of the covers.

Yes, breakfast would be nice... But she has an even bigger craving for something else.

"You could. Or, I was thinking..." She trails off suggestively and his eyes turn to her immediately, his pupils already dilated. Oh, he knows what she's about to suggest. They'd almost made it between round two and three yesterday night - their second round in the kitchen had been a tad messy- but they'd been so hungry for one another they hadn't made it to the bed. There had been no question of venturing further into the shower. Besides, the kind of deliberate and knee-faltering exploration of each other's bodies that had ensued wasn't meant to be done standing. "We could probably both use a good shower…."

He doesn't even bother formulating a response, just grabs her hand and pulls her in the direction of his bathroom. She giggles as she follows him willingly.

They get a lot dirtier before they begin getting clean.

Castle doesn't manage to make her breakfast before she has to go, but he does have her coffee ready.

He follows her to the door as she slips on her shoes and jacket. He's looking at her longingly, as though he never wants her to leave. It's sweet and it makes her heartbeat skip a little faster, if only because she wishes she didn't have to leave either. She's usually eager to get back to work after some well-earned vacation days but... it feels like things are different now. Like instead of craving the solitude of her apartment after a long day at the precinct, she might find herself yearning for the comfort of his embrace or having him at her back as she soaks in a bath and lets her muscles relax in the warm water.

It's never really been like this for her and she was always glad she stayed independent, never needing anyone for anything. But with Castle it doesn't feel like she's losing herself, or giving up who she is, it feels like she can just be. It feels like coming home.

The realization hits her square in the chest and there's a slight exhilaration, though no immediate panic. She can't wait to return to him.

Lifting from where she'd been crouched to zip up her boots, Kate smiles widely, her cheeks almost aching with it. He grins when he sees her so happy and she can't help but lean forward, grasping the collar of his shirt and pulling him towards her so that she can kiss him once more, before she heads to work.

He's desperate, and holds her tightly, his lips almost frantic against hers even though they've been together a total of four times within the last twelve hours.

She can't blame him though, not when she's still just as hungry for him. She responds to the kiss in kind, pouring into it everything that's happened since she knocked on the door last night. It's both a thank you and an apology, a reassurance and a promise. She sweeps her tongue over his one last time, moaning slightly as he pulls her in even closer, his palm at her bottom.

"I have to go," she pants, separating her lips from his.

"I know," he sighs and he nuzzles her nose with his in an eskimo kiss. "Go save the world."

She laughs but reluctantly takes his cue "I'm no batman, you know" she throws over her shoulder. She really does need to leave, or she'll be late.

"You'll come back?" He asks, his voice almost shy. "Soon, I mean." He tries to save it, to take it back somehow but she can see the insecurity still lurking in his eyes. And it's okay. She doesn't blame him. She'll show him he can trust her.

"Tonight?" she asks and it's an offer. She wants to come back as soon as she can.

The smile blooms across his lips, radiant and true.

"Yeah, tonight sounds good."

She opens the door to the loft and turns back just before closing the door.

"See you soon, Castle."

Kate gets to the precinct, but there are no active cases to work on, only a never ending pile of paperwork. The boys tease her about taking a couple of days off to take care of Castle and she responds with a series of glares and eye rolls. She knows it's all in good spirit, though.

Ryan and Espo have been by her side for the past five months, they've seen first-hand how Castle's absence hurt her. She knows they mean well. Espo drops by her desk to take a share of her paper work. "It's good to see you smiling again, Beckett."

It isn't that she couldn't do her job anymore, that she couldn't function without him. But that was all it was, merely functioning, the days neither filled with excitement or joy - something she knows is rare in her line of work- and though the boys tried to lighten the mood the shadow of his absence always remained.

She grins and nods at Esposito in thanks, knows he understands just how grateful she is for the gesture.

Later, she looks back down at her desk to find a text from Lanie.

 _I'm expecting a fine level of detail about the last two nights seeing as you've been radio silent_.

Lanie is kind of an over-sharer but luckily she knows how to keep her mouth shut, so it's never been a problem for her. She might even admit to secretly liking it, not that she'd ever tell her best friend

Kate assesses the level of paperwork and her pending versus done piles and decides that half past done is decent enough for a break.

"I'm going down to the morgue. I've got a question for Lanie about a cold case," Kate tells the boys as she slips on her jacket and heads toward the elevator. They nod their acknowledgment and she texts Lanie once she's out of the elevator, letting her know she's on her way over.

Once she gets there, her best friend takes one look at her and Kate cringes.

"So I was ready to let you have it because you didn't give me any news but, honey, I forgive you. It must have been amazing if you're glowing like that!"

"Glowing?" Kate asks incredulously, her cheeks heating.

"It's all over your face. You and Writer Boy. It happened didn't it?"

She smiles, can't help herself really when she thinks back on last night and this morning. She won't hide this from Lanie. Hell, her best friend knew from a single glance at her. There was no way of hiding it from her even if she'd tried.

"It did, yeah," she says, smile wide, a little shy but oh so happy.

Lanie squeals and practically lunges for her, engulfing her in a hug that doesn't really take her by surprise. She laughs and hugs her best friend back tightly. It was no secret that Lanie had always been rooting for them. Kate can't say she was wrong.

"How was it?" She asks suggestively as she pulls back.

Kate considers her options. She doesn't usually share much detail of her love life, even with Lanie, but she figures this time, her best friend might deserve a bit of the scoop. She can do that without crossing the line into the "too intimate" territory.

"Let's just say, the fourth time was just as mind blowing as the first."

"Four times!" Lanie exclaims, her voice going high pitched. "I'm surprised you're even up and walking."

Kate laughs and shrugs. She won't tell her how she'd had trouble staying upright before he'd even taken off her clothes.

"I'm so happy for you, sweetie," she tells her sincerely, holding her hand and smiling at her.

"Thanks, Lanie," she says, smiling back and squeezing her hand.

Kate's phone vibrates in her pocket and she takes it out to check who texted her, secretly hoping it won't be a body drop because she has plans for tonight.

It's Castle.

 _Would it be inappropriate of me to show up with a mid-day coffee at the precinct?_

"So he's checking up on you already?" Lanie asks, probably assuming it was Castle who texted judging by the smile on her face.

Kate rolls her eyes but her smile never falters. She texts him back.

 _Only if you don't remember my order._

She can practically hear him scoff.

 _As if, detective. As if._

"He's coming over isn't he?" Lanie asks.

"How did you even know that? There's no way you can read my phone from where you're standing!"

"It's written all over your face," she states plainly. "Now go back up there and tell him that if he doesn't take care of my girl, I will make his murder look like an accident." Kate laughs, certain that there will be no reason to kill Castle in the near future.

"You can tell him that yourself, Lane."

"Oh, I will. Don't even doubt it." Kate laughs because she knows it's true. Castle will definitely get the talk from both Lanie and the boys. She's going to have to warn him about that.

"Thanks again," Kate says as she passes through the doors, leaving the morgue. She can't wait to get her coffee. She might miss him a little too.

* * *

 **A/N: Just letting you know we are nearing the end of this story. There will be two more chapters after this one. I'm looking forward to sharing the rest with you!**

 _Twitter: zoekeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	21. Chapter 21

When Kate gets back to the precinct, Castle is already there, two coffees in hand, one she assumes is for her, as promised, and seeing him back here, after all this time - after all they did last night - with coffee sends flutters through her. He's standing near Ryan and Espo's desks and by the looks of it, she may be a little late to warn him about how the boys might pull him aside for a talk. His face visibly blanches at something Esposito says, his skin going white as a sheet and his throat bobs as he swallows heavily.

Kate wants to laugh but part of her also knows how intimidating the boys can be. Castle legitimately looks scared and probably with good reason.

She hasn't told anyone about their relationship, save from Lanie, and part of her hopes her partners don't know yet. She hasn't ruled out the possibility of him coming back to work with her and she knows that option will be off the table if they're known to be dating. But with the way they were talking this morning and how they seem to be cornering Castle now, Kate is pretty sure they know something. Hopefully they can keep their mouths shut after this.

She rolls her eyes at the sight of them and moves out of the elevator, ready to relieve Rick of this torture. She wonders when she started thinking of him as Rick; probably sometime last night while his tongue-

Okay, not a safe line of thought for work, Kate.

She mentally shakes herself but can't do much to cover the flush that covers her cheeks as she approaches.

"Hey, Castle," she says casually, deliberately interrupting their conversation and giving him an out to join her at her desk.

Castle turns from them at the sound of her voice and Espo points to his own eyes and then to Castle in a classic "I'm watching you gesture" that has Rick quickening his pace.

He looks a little shaken when he reaches her desk and she can't help the smile that curves the corner of her mouth upward. He looks kind of adorable, his hair ruffled as if he's passed his hands through it too many times (probably during the boys' interrogation) and his skin is still quite pale. But when he looks up at her, all traces of terror disappear and his eyes shine with the same light they had this morning. The urge to kiss him makes itself known and she looks away from him, because no, this is the _precinct_ , her work place. There will be absolutely none of that here. None.

They'll have to talk about that.

Castle must read her need for a distraction because he too looks down at her desk.

"I feel like things have changed since the last time I've been here," he muses.

"What do you mean?" She asks slightly panicked because, _of course_ things have changed, they _slept_ together. And she swears if he brings this up right now she will-

"On your desk, I mean. Your stuff, you've moved it."

Oh. That is not where she thought he was going with this.

"Really?"

"Yeah, like these," he says picking up the row of elephants off her desk. "I remember these being in a different place."

"Well, not everything has changed," she says, motioning with her head to the chair that still sits beside her desk. His chair still remains.

He opens his mouth to respond when Esposito comes up behind him, his hand coming up to clasp his good shoulder and Castle startles, not expecting it in the slightest and the elephants tumble from his hands. Kate feels her heart seize as she sees the scene unfold before her. Castle fumbles, does his best to try and catch it but it's too late and with only one functioning arm, there's no way he can make it. The elephants hit the ground with a resounding crack and that slashes her heart open. All three of them stand still for a couple of seconds; they all know what those elephants meant to her, know who they were from.

She doesn't have to look. She knows they're broken.

"Kate I'm so sorry. I- I'll get them fixed, I know someone who does this kind of stuff and he-" He stumbles over his words and she stops him, doesn't want him to blame himself. It was an accident. And accident that leaves her heart raw and mirroring the broken pieces on the floor.

"It was nobody's fault." She says. Castle bends down and meticulously starts picking up the pieces, trying his best not to lose any parts, hoping they can salvage it.

"Kate, there's something in here..."

Her heart stops. Those elephants belonged to her mother. If something was in there, then she must have been the one to leave it.

"It's a cassette tape," he says, standing from the place where he'd been crouched on the floor, and hands it over to her.

Kate's hands are shaking. This is important, she can feel it in her bones. Her mother left this for her, she knows it.

"Do we have anything to play this?" she asks, looking from Castle to Esposito.

"I think there may be one in the Captain's office."

Kate practically springs from her desk and sure enough, there's a tape player in the office. They call Ryan in and gather around the old machine.

She inserts the cassette with trembling hands and presses play. The voice she hears sends prickles of ice up her spine and a shiver runs over her body.

They're talking about her mom.

And suddenly they have a name, a lead.

* * *

They make an arrest.

Senator William Bracken had her mother murdered.

They consult with Gates in terms of procedure. Castle is by her side the whole time, her rock. He gives her space when she needs it, provides comfort with his touch when they can afford to sneak a couple of seconds to themselves while trying not to give their relationship away.

But she's so glad he's here for this, for her.

He accompanies her to make the arrest but lets her go in alone. He knows her so well, knows what her boundaries are, respects them; he knows how important this is to her, how she needs to do this on her own, to close this chapter of her life by herself.

So he waits for her outside of the building where a squad car is parked, ready for when she escorts the Senator outside to be transferred to holding.

When she cuffs the man who kills her mother, her mind is blank, a little numb, but she doesn't forget a single step, isn't going to see this bastard let go because she forgot to read him his Miranda rights. She knows this process like the back of her hand.

Kate guides him down the steps of the building towards the squad car and Esposito takes over, making sure the man takes a seat.

She caught him. The man who had her mother murdered is going to trial. The car pulls away from the curb and she isn't sure how she feels exactly. Relieved, content, numb. Part of her feels empty. It feels like a victory but it's almost bitter sweet.

She turns back to Castle, who waits patiently by her side, ready to give her whatever it is she needs.

They caught him. She never would have been able to do this without him. She might never have had this moment had he not broken the damn elephants.

Smiling, Kate wraps her arms around his waist, holding him tightly to her and turning her face to hide in the cove of his neck. His arms band around her, holding her, steadying her and she inhales deeply, his scent surrounding her.

She feels at home with him here.

"Thank you," she whispers against his skin, her lips brushing his neck. "For being here when it all went down, for finding the final piece of the puzzle. I never would have been able to do this without you." He pulls his upper body away so that he can look into her eyes.

"Kate, this was all you. I didn't know any more than you that there would be a tape. It was an accident, a fluke. But you... you put years of your life into this investigation. This was you."

Kate sighs, didn't realize how much she needed to hear that.

"I don't know who I am without this, Rick. I've been chasing this thing so long, I just... I've let it shape me, define me. What if I'm nothing without it?" She tells him her greatest fears, selfishly hoping he has the answers because it seems he most often does. He brings his good arm up to her face, brushing one of the loose strands from her cheek and placing it behind her ear. He smiles at her, apparently unfazed by her revelation.

"You're who you've always been. You're a passionate, justice-seeking and open-hearted detective. And a damn good one too; the best in New York city."

She smiles back at him, can't help it. He never stops believing in her and she can't express how grateful she is for that; how it gives her strength from day to day.

"Maybe we could get away for a few days?" he suggests and she can't help thinking it sounds heavenly. "I was thinking I could finally show you my place in the Hamptons?"

She wants to. She really, really does. But she's just back at work from the few days off Gates has granted her to see him through the first few days of his recovery. She doesn't exactly feel comfortable asking for more time; it doesn't feel fair to leave the boys with her work load again.

"That sound lovely, Castle. I really wish I could, but I just got back. I don't know if Gates would be willing to give me more time."

He doesn't look too disappointed; his eyes convey understanding. "Whatever you need, Kate," he says, pulling her back in for a hug. She goes willingly and takes another deep breath.

* * *

She gets back to the precinct and both Gates and the boys are there. Castle had stopped for a coffee run but said he'd be joining her at the precinct soon. It's nearing the end of the day but she still has a load of paperwork.

"Detective Beckett," her Captain calls. "I'd like to see you in my office for a few minutes."

She gives Ryan and Espo a quizzical look and they both shrug. She shuts the door to Gates' office behind her and turns towards the woman's desk.

"Captain?" she asks while Gates motions for her to take a seat.

"How are you, detective?"

Kate thinks, isn't sure what she's supposed to say. Should she reassure her Captain and tell her she feels fine or be honest? The look in Gates' eyes says she won't be buying anything else but the truth.

"I'm not exactly sure. I always thought I'd be happy, or free in some sense, but... It doesn't feel quite like I expected."

Gates nods and looks pensive, like she's mulling over her response, evaluating Kate in the process.

"I'd like you to take a week off," she says, surprising her.

"Is this a punishment?" Kate asks.

"No, it's a health recommendation," she says simply. Kate isn't sure if she should be offended or pleasantly surprised that her Captain is telling her to take a week off. But then she remembers a certain writer's invitation and a week off doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all.

"Okay," she agrees and she sees the brief glimpse of surprise in her Captain's eyes. She doesn't usually take time off, and she's the first to protest when anyone suggests she take the vacation days she's accumulated. Not this time.

"Rest up, detective. I expect you back here in a week."

Kate takes her cue and heads out of the office. The look the boys give her has her wondering if maybe they have something to do with Gates insisting she take the week. They care about her.

Ryan's little smirk gives it away and she knows they mean well. She's lucky to have them as part of her team.

The elevator dings and she looks up to see Castle coming in, coffees in hand despite the late hour. He smiles when he sees her but tries to contain it when the boys turn to look at him as well.

They haven't talked about anything, but she knows the guys were probably rough on him with "the talk."

He walks toward her and extends his arm, offering her the coffee, not getting too close. She makes sure their fingers touch though, just because she can and she feels like it and after this day she just wants to be near him.

He looks up into her eyes and when he sees her smiling, he doesn't hesitate to reciprocate. She gets in a little closer, not too close to be indecent for the precinct but close enough for the words she speaks to remain private.

"You still up for a trip to the Hamptons, Castle?"

* * *

 **A/N: One more chapter to go! I can't believe we've almost reached the end. Thank you for supporting me and helping me get this far, keeping me motivated to write this story. You're all pretty amazing. I'd love to know what you think of this one.**

 _Twitter: ZoeKeller_  
 _Tumblr: zkalways_


	22. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

* * *

Kate closes her eyes against the beating sun, practically feels the vitamin D seeping into her pores as she lays on the sun chair, the loose tendrils of her hair catching in the breeze. Castle had been a pack of nerves this morning and even after she'd thoroughly distracted him upon waking up, the moment the dopamine and bliss had receded he'd been back to fidgeting, pacing and repetitive chatter.

She gets it, she really does, he's nervous about the book release. Thank God it's today though because he's been a nervous wreck all week despite knowing that no amount of pacing or stressing will make the reviews come in any faster. He's been staring at his computer for the last hour and she'd left him to enjoy the sun, refused to stay cooped up by the computer for her week of vacation.

Kate smiles to herself thinking how far they've come; how exactly one year ago he'd brought her to his Hamptons home for the first time. Naturally, she'd loved it, didn't want to leave by the time the short week had elapsed but it had done both of them some good. She'd helped him with physical therapy, worked his shoulder in the pool and then proceeded to perform other activities in the pool that didn't involve the work of his shoulders.

And now they're back, only so much has changed because it will soon be _their_ Hamptons home. She opens her eyes, grateful for the shield of her sunglasses against the sun's bright glare and looks down at her left hand. Her heart still squeezes in her chest when she looks down at it.

They're getting married.

She chuckles as she recalls the memory, how she'd said yes before he'd even had the chance to finish his no doubt perfectly crafted speech. He'd sprung up from where he'd been crouched down on one knee at the park with the swings to capture her lips in a kiss that still has her pulse accelerating. She knew without a doubt, even though they'd discussed the job opportunity in DC that no matter what, her place was at his side. So she'd said yes, no hesitation or waiting involved. They'd done so much waiting already, she's ready for the rest of her life to begin, so long as it's with him.

They aren't sure where or when the wedding will be yet, that's something they still have to decide on, but she has a feeling once Castle gets the reviews for the newest Nikki Heat -which she has no doubt will be stellar, as she'd loved every second of reading the advance copy - they'll be able to continue their planning.

"Beckett, they loved it!" she hears him exclaim, still from within the house but his voice getting louder as he grows nearer. "The reviews are great," he says, a bit out of breath with excitement as he reaches the patio door and she's so proud of him, though she's not surprised in the slightest. She bounds up from the lounge chair, reaches for him and he picks her up off her feet, hugging her body tightly to his.

There might even be a slight squeal involved when her feet lift off the ground but she'll deny it if anyone asks. "I'm so proud of you," she whispers in his ear, only for him.

"I couldn't have done it without you," he says, lowering her back to the ground, his smile wide and filled with so much joy.

She wants to argue, to tell him his books, his writing, are all him, all a product of his beautiful mind and ability to put pen to paper so eloquently, but she knows he won't let her get the last word so she lets it be, pulls him down to her instead.

She melds her lips to his in a kiss she hopes is both thankful and proud, hoping it conveys everything she feels so deeply. He cherishes her mouth, at once languid and passion filled and she never wants this moment to end, would be content to live these few minutes on a loop for the rest of her life.

Except lately, talk of their marriage and their "always" has her wanting more, wanting everything with him, and so she thinks maybe she's okay with continuing on their journey. She's been picturing a sweet little girl and maybe even a boy with unruly locks of brown hair and his crystalline blue eyes. She wants that. With him.

"You deserve this so much, babe," she praises as she pulls away from his lips but she doesn't leave the warm embrace of his arms.

"Thank you for putting up with my being a mess over the last week." It sounds like an apology but she'll have none of it. She pecks her lips to his once more, not letting him think for a second that she was upset with him over something like that.

"Never doubted you for a second," she tells him simply, because it's true and even though she understood where his nerves were coming from, she never doubted it would be another bestseller.

"Maybe I'll start writing just for you. Other critics be damned," he jokes and she laughs because he's sweet but she can't let him think she loves his writing only because she loves him so she shakes her head.

"The world deserves to read your stories, Castle. It's a better place with them in it."

The smile he gives her is warm and it sends flutters through her, almost has her shy - which is ridiculous seeing as _they are getting married_ \- and it just reinforces how lucky she is to have this, have him.

"Are you getting soft on me, Beckett?" He teases, and she's tempted to wipe that grin off his face with a kiss but he'd enjoy that way too much so she smacks him lightly on the shoulder instead. She bends down to pick up her book from the lounge chair, doesn't want it getting damaged in the sun and she heads for inside.

"Don't get used to it," she warns him though she doubts it has much effect given the smile she can't seem to tame.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he says, a soft, reverent quality to his voice and he reels her back in, tugging gently on her hand, capturing her lips once more. She smiles into it, can't help it, his joy entirely too contagious. He still manages to get her blood simmering in her veins, to have her wanton and craving him in a matter of seconds as his tongue sweeps against hers, his hands riding low on her waist.

"You want some breakfast?" he mumbles between kisses, his thumb caressing her cheek.

"Mm, I was getting hungry for something else, actually." Her voice drops an octave when she says it and it has the desired effect, his hand clenching against her waist, his pupils dilating. He picks her up again and this time she laughs at his antiques as he carries her up into the bedroom. She'd normally protest, wouldn't let him carry her because she isn't in any way dainty, but for today she lets it go. She reasons it's practice for the wedding night anyway, where he'll be doing a lot more than just carrying her through the door.

* * *

Alexis calls that afternoon to congratulate him about the positive reviews and praise from the critics the media is sharing. Martha on the other hand, calls to deliver the news that one review in particular was exceptionally harsh and warns him she anticipates sales may go down. He rolls his eyes at his mother and Kate laughs.

They share a celebratory dinner, they've spent the last few hours cooking together, side by side. They're a good team, though he picks out of her cut vegetables to annoy her on purpose and she bats his hand away. It's domestic in a way that's become familiar to her, something she never thought she'd have, sharing some of their favorite wine and talking a bit about the wedding, about their family as they prepare and eat dinner.

"So, I was thinking... What if we had the wedding here?" Castle suggests and awakens the butterflies in her belly; the view of the beach, her feet in the sand and the smell of the ocean in the air as she makes her way to him down the aisle with her father on her arm. She can picture it so clearly and she finds that she wants it, that it'd be perfect, just the right amount of intimate.

He must take her silence for apprehension or hesitance though because he's back tracking not too long after having made the suggestion. "I mean, if that's not something you want, I understand-"

She cuts him off with a kiss, her lips soft but affirmative against his. "Yes," she whispers against him. "I want it, Castle. It's a great idea."

"Yeah?" he asks, because he wants to be sure it's what she wants. He's been pushing for whatever she desires, treating her word as law since they started making any plans for the wedding. It's a good thing their choices coincide... most of the time. She'd had to refuse his only adamant proposition - there was no way she was getting married in space. Other than that, they've been seeing pretty much eye to eye on most of the wedding plans.

"Yeah," Kate agrees. "I love the idea. It'll be private and it's still big enough to invite everyone we care about. It's perfect, Rick."

He smiles, his face only a few inches from hers and he quirks a teasing brow.

"Well, maybe not as perfect as a wedding in space would have been but-"

She pokes him in the chest and he jerks, clutching at his pectoral muscle in mock affront but he laughs when he sees the grin she's sporting, how she shakes her head at him.

This, right here, is why she said yes, knowing that they'll stay the same, that they'll continue to be amazing no matter how many years pass them by. He's been annoying her and pulling her pigtails for nearly six years, and she doesn't see it changing any time soon, doesn't see _them_ changing. He still annoys her and she still pretends to hate it.

They clean up the dinner table after supper and then head outside where Castle has prepared a fire for some s'mores. They usually do this when Alexis is here, keeping her and her dad's traditions alive but Castle had a craving. She sits close to him, wrests her head on his shoulder as she roasts her marshmallow on a stick. His is ready first, only because he's impatient and manages to burn it, holding it too close to the fire. He grumbles as he squishes the burnt gooey candy between the chocolate and takes a bite.

"It's not bad, actually," he nods in approval, extending his arm towards her, offering her a bite. She bypasses it and claims his mouth instead, tastes the sweetness of chocolate on his tongue and she has to admit the subdued yet still present taste of something burnt isn't all that unpleasant. Though maybe that's just him.

"Mm," she agrees as she sweeps her tongue over her bottom lip, savoring the flavor. "You're right."

"My god you're sexy," he says, his voice awed and she can't help but laugh. He's so easy. They've kissed more times than she could count and it still leaves him a little love drunk every time. She hopes that never changes either, hopes the butterflies in her stomach never stop fluttering when he kisses her.

"Looks like yours won't taste so different," he motions toward the fire and she realizes her marshmallow has also caught fire. She groans and quickly brings the end of the stick up to her lips, blowing hard to extinguish the flame that's engulfed it. Not exactly her best s'more but it'll do.

"Hey Kate?" His voice is soft and she can tell he's pensive, that he's turned serious now.

"Yeah?" She lifts her head from his shoulder to look at him.

"I'm really glad you're here." It's a simple statement, one that has her puzzled at first, because of course she'd be here. Only it strikes her that a little over a year ago, she hadn't been. They'd both been miserable, tangled in a mess of lies and secrets that nearly tore them apart for good. So much has changed in a year and looking at it now, there's nowhere else she'd rather be, no other place she'd rather have ended up.

Her eyes get a little watery as she reminisces, thinks of everything they've been through, the journey that's brought them here, and for a second she finds herself thinking about fate, how the universe seemed to have given them a little push a year earlier to find each other again.

But their story is more than fate; it's been hard work and tears and the struggle of communication and a love stronger than she's ever felt or imagined possible.

She leans forward and rests her forehead against his, nuzzling his nose with hers.

"Me too, Castle."

* * *

 ** _A/N: I can't believe this story has come to an end. It was my first longer multi-chapter and it's been an absolutely wonderful ride. I want to thank Lou again for the amazing prompt and inspiration that sparked this story in the first place. I love your evil mind! I also want to thank Chelsea for her beautiful cover art and her support! And I certainly can't forget Nellie the best beta ever, who read every single chapter and always had the very best flails. Thank you to everyone who has followed and added this story to their favorites. I was blown away by the response to this story and I can't thank you enough for your reviews and comments. I'm sending hugs from Canada to all of you; thank you for coming on this journey with me, it was a true pleasure to share it with you guys. Until next time!  
\- Zoe_**

 _Twitter: zoekeller_

 _Tumblr: zkalways_


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